


It has always been you

by AnonymousWriter_A



Series: Malec au [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: A LOT of Angst, AU Alec, AU Magnus, Angst, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Cute, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, F/M, Fashion Designer Magnus, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Good friend Alec, Good friend Magnus, Happy Ending, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hyperventilating, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Jealousy, Kissing, M/M, Magnus cut himself at one point, Magnus having slight depression, Malec AU, Mutual Pining, Professor Alec, Small panic attacks, best friend au, homophobic father
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 20:28:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13888545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymousWriter_A/pseuds/AnonymousWriter_A
Summary: Alec couldn’t even remember how his life had gotten so upside down. How his life had been before a certain Magnus Bane came along and swept him off his feet. And if he could, would he want to change any of it? A life where he had never met Magnus? It didn’t really seem like a realistic option, because Magnus had been there since forever. Who would’ve thought that this friendship would last more than ten years? Alec for sure didn’t, not because he didn’t like Magnus, oh how he liked Magnus, but because he always hoped that someday they would be more than just friends. Because Alec was hopelessly and utterly in love with Magnus Bane. But maybe that was just too much of a dream or was it?Malec AU where they've been friends since forever and have gone through so much together.





	It has always been you

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first 'long' story and I hope you'll like it. I know it isn't the best, but I'm still working on my writing skills.  
> I mention panic attacks and hyperventilating so be careful reading this (They are not very graphic, but I'll warn you anyway).  
> I would also like to inform you that English isn't my native language, so please be kind.
> 
> xx

 

Alec couldn’t even remember how his life had gotten so upside down. How his life had been before a certain Magnus Bane came along and swept him off his feet. And if he could, would he want to change any of it? A life where he had never met Magnus? It didn’t really seem like a realistic option, because Magnus had been there since forever. They had met eachother in highschool about ten years ago, when Alec had been 14 years old and Magnus 15. Magnus had been transferred to his school and well, Alec didn’t really know what to think of him at first, but soon this new kid at school had become his best friend. Who would’ve thought that this friendship would last more than ten years? Alec for sure didn’t, not because he didn’t like Magnus, oh how he liked Magnus, but because he always hoped that someday they would be more than just friends. Because Alec was hopelessly and utterly in love with Magnus Bane. But maybe that was just too much of a dream.

 

It all began when Magnus became friends with Alec. He was a new kid and Alec was so nice to hang out with him in his first week. But they soon became friends. Magnus wasn’t like all the other kids, oh no, Magnus was special, extravagent and amazing. He was incredibly good at arts, which he later in life studied, he was extremely smart and wasn’t afraid to show the world who he was. Alec always had admired his confidence, he wished he could’ve borrowed some. But Magnus had explained that confidence couldn’t be borrowed, but had to be earned. So Magnus wasn’t afraid of anything, at least that was Alec’s impression. Later he realised that that was absolute bullshit. Everybody has their fears, whether it is just a tiny fear of spiders or a big fobia, everyone has them. Alec had always been afraid to stand out, to be something out of the ordinary, but maybe that was why he and Magnus had clicked. They were total opposites. Magnus was flamboyant and Alec was a grey little mouse, that didn’t want to leave the house in anything other than a shade of black. When they both had reached the age of sixteen, Alec realised Magnus wasn’t as perfect as he thought he was. Magnus had serious baggage, that would’ve scared many friends away, but Alec stayed.

 

At Magnus’ seventeenth birthday, Alec found some stuff out from his best friend. When he talked about Magnus with his mother, she said something she probably shouldn’t have. Magnus was adopted, Alec never knew this and was in shock. How come Magnus didn’t tell him? After everybody had left the party and it was just him and Magnus, Alec decided to confront him about it. Magnus had broke down crying and told Alec about his family, how his mother had killed herself when he was ten and how they had moved to America right after her death. How his actual father blamed him for his wife’s suicide and how the Bane’s had taken him under their wing. Alec was shocked to hear all this, he stayed with Magnus all night and made sure he was okay. So Magnus was broken, but Alec wanted to make sure that he was put back together.

 

As they grew older, they became closer and closer. At the age of 17 Alec had began to have feelings for him. And it terrified the crap out off him. Not because he realised he was gay, he realised he was gay at a younger age, but because he didn’t know what to do with his feelings. Although he knew Magnus was bisexual, which he wasn’t very shy about, he couldn’t do anything about it, because Magnus had a girlfriend. Camille. Fucking. Belcourt. The worst person you could ever meet. A manipulative bitch, is what she is. Magnus and Camille dated for almost two years, it was a very on and off again relationship. And it had literally broke Magnus. He had been so worn out, emotionally and phisically. Camille had cheated on him multiple times and manipulated him in staying with her. After their final break up Magnus had been a complete mess for almost a month. He didn’t sleep well and wasn’t eating the right food. But after that first month, he had put on his brave face and faced the world again. In this period of time, Alec’s feelings only grew stronger for Magnus. He wanted to be there for him, even if it was as just a friend. Magnus needed his friend. Alec never told anyone that he was gay, his sister Isabelle knew, but even one of his best friends/brother Jace didn’t know. He really wanted to tell someone, he really wanted to tell Magnus. But he was afraid, afraid that people would look at him differently. His parents wouldn’t approve. That, he was sure of. Jace probably couldn’t care less, Isabelle would actually be proud of her brother, and Magnus probably would be supportive. But he couldn’t tell him, not when his feelings were still so strong.

 

At the age of of nineteen, Alec had finally come out. To everyone, his parents, his brother and his bestfriend. His parents hadn’t responded very well, at least his father didn’t. They had kicked Alec out of their house with nothing more than a simple backpack. Magnus had saved him and was kind enough to share his apartment in Brooklyn with Alec. The idea seemed good at the time, but it didn’t work that well in reality. Certainly not when one of the two had a major crush on the other one. By this time, Magnus had dated a lot of other people. Even Alec was starting to see this guy, even though it was just to get over Magnus. Magnus and Alec’s friendship was still going strong, Magnus had been really supportive about his coming out and as time went on, they became closer. They knew everything about eachother, they felt save with eachother.

 

Alec was studying English when he finished highschool and Magnus was an art student. They really had so much fun together, while living together. They started having weekly movie nights, just the two of them. And until this day, they never had broken the tradition. They helped eachother out with homework and school stuff. Eventually Magnus, now 26, went on and became a successfull fashion designer and Alec, now 25, became a great English professor. They both had busy lifes but it was never too busy for eachother.

 

***

 

Now here Alec was, sitting in front of the building next to the red carpet waiting for Magnus to arrive to his first ever fashion show. Alec knew Magnus was excited, but he knew that with excitement came nervousness. Finally the car pulled up and the car door opened. Magnus walked out with his boyfriend, Imasu, looking stunning as ever. He wore a bordeau red suit with a white shirt underneath it. His shoes were glimmering with dark red glitter and his eyes were covered with a lovely pink glow. And of course, who could forget the sparkle. Magnus had his waterline covered with glitter, to ‘make his eyes pop’, as Alec had been told. He stood up from where he was sitting and walked over to him. Magnus’ eyes met Alec’s and his face lit up.

“Alexander!” he exclaimed. Alec shook his head and pulled Magnus in for a hug.

“Magnus, you look great.” Alec smiled with his eyes filled with love.

“Just great? Not fabulous, incredible or stunning?” Magnus rambled.

“Okay, fine, you look fabulous, incredible, stunning.” Alec chuckled and noticed how Magnus fiddled with his jacket. “So, you’re nervous, huh?”

“You know me so well, Alexander. I am incredibly nervous.”

“It’s gonna be fine,” Alec tried.

“I told him that on our way here, already. But actually listening, no way,” Imasu laughed.

Alec didn’t really like Imasu, but that probably had to do with the fact that Alec was jealous. Over all the guy had been great, an upgrade from Magnus’ previous relationships. He treated Magnus right and with respect, which Alec really appreciated.

“So, I guess I’ll meet you inside, Mags.” Alec said starting to walk away.

“Yeah, I’ll see you soon.” Magnus said nervously.

Alec walked inside and had to do a double take of the place. It was gorgeous, so big and chandeliers were sparkling everywhere. Definetely Magnus’ taste, he thought to himself. He took place in one of the seets, the one with his name on it. He smiled when he saw that he was seated at the front row. Of course Magnus would do this. He was seated next to Imasu, who he asumed would show up some time later.

 

Meanwhile, Magnus and Imasu had walked backstage. Magnus and his stage manager walked through a few problems that needed to be fixed. But Magnus couldn’t handle the stress of it all. His breath became uneasy and soon turned into quick breaths. He fell on the ground trying to steady his breathing, but with no luck. He had had this many times before, ever since the suicide of his mother he had panic attacks. They were usually not very harmful, but just really exhausting and nerve wrecking. And well, stress didn’t really help. Magnus was really starting to hyperventilate by now and only wanted one thing.

“Magnus what do you need?” Imasu was in full panic mode, he had never witnessed one of Magnus’ attacks before, he had heard of them, but never witnessed one.

“Alec, I need Alec. He is the only one who can calm me down,” Magnus breathed out. Imasu sprinted away to get Alec, not admitting that what Magnus said had hurt him a little. After a while Magnus heard footsteps coming closer.

“Magnus, I’m here, I’m here.” Alec kneeled by Magnus and started to embrace him. Magnus let his tears fall down and started hiccuping. “Breath with me, Mags. Come on. Breath in, breath out. Deep breaths. Breath in, breath out. Steady breathing. Listen to my heartbeat, do you hear it? Breath in, breath out. Do it with me. It is going to be okay, you will be okay.” Magnus started to calm down and his breathing became slower. “That’s it, Mags. Slow breaths through your nose. Do you need to breath in a paper bag? Or in your hands?” Magnus shook his head and hugged Alec a little tighter. After a couple of minutes he fully calmed down. Alec pulled away and kissed Magnus’ cheek in reassurance.

“You okay again?” Alec asked.

“Yes, I think so. Thank you.” Alec stood up and helped Magnus to stand up as well.

“Do you want me to stay, for a while?” Alec asked looking into Magnus’ eyes.

“Yes, if you want to.” Magnus said unsure.

“Of course, I’ll stay with you and watch to show from here, sound good?”

Magnus nodded and pulled Alec closer again, resting his face in the crook of Alec’s neck. Imasu watched the pair with worry, but also with a little jealousy.

“I guess I should go and watch the fashion show,” Imasu said softly.

Alec and Magnus broke apart when they heard his voice. Magnus walked over to him and pulled him closer.

“No, honey, you should stay. Please?” Magnus looked at him with his puppy dog eyes and Imasu gave in.

“Thank you,” Magnus leaned in and gave Imasu a kiss on his lips. Alec winced at the touch and looked away, why couldn’t he do that with Magnus?

 

***

 

The fashion show had been amazing, a lot of the audience members were incredibly excited about his new line. Alec was beaming with pride.

“I think I’m going to walk home,” Magnus said to Alec. “Want to walk with me?”  
“Sure, but isn’t Imasu coming?” Alec asked.

“No he had some family emergency.” They both started walking side by side.

“So are you happy?” Alec asked Magnus while he gently pushed him.

“Yeah, I guess so.” He smiled up at Alec.

“Well, I for one am so incredibly proud of you,” Alec threw his arm around Magnus’ shoulder and squeezed him tight.

“Thank you, darling. Couldn’t have done it without you, though.” Magnus said honestly.

“Yes you could’ve. It just would’ve taken you much longer,” Alec joked. Magnus scoffed at him and shoved him lightly away.

“Now, now don’t get a big head. You idiot,” Magnus winked and blew him a kiss.

Alec blushed at the gesture while shaking his head to hide it, Magnus really was something special.

“The fashion show was one big chaos, a succesfull chaos, but now I’m just really looking forward to lounging on the couch with the best company ever.”

“And you said I shouldn’t get a big head, doesn’t work when you’re complementing me all the time. Or is there someone else you’d rather spend your time with?” Alec asked teasingly.

“Absolutely not darling, I only ever want to hang out with you.” Mangus winked at Alec.

“Oh, make sure that Imasu doesn’t find out,”Alec joked.

“I’m pretty sure he already knows that you’re one of my favorite people.”

“Really? You talk about me?” Alec was genuinely surprised. Magnus gently pushed his shoulder.

 “Why do you talk about me?”

“Well, you are my best friend. You know me more than anybody and I want my boyfriend to like you. Because I am sure of one thing, and that is that you’re not going away.” Alec beamed at his statement and smiled softly at Magnus.

“And does he, I mean like me?”

“Am not sure, I think he doesn’t really like me having such a close relationship with someone else.” Alec noticed a hint of sadness in his voice, but Magnus quickly chuckled it away.

“Why, do you want him to like you?” Magnus said with misschief in his eyes.

“It would be easier if he did, I mean we live together. I don’t want him to be uncomfortable.”

Magnus turned his head and kissed Alec on the cheek “You’re a sweetheart.”

“How are things with you guys actually?” Alec asked curiously.

“Ehm.. Things are great. He likes me I like him. He even said the three big words to me.”

“He did? That is great.” Alec exclaimed.

“I didn’t say them back though,” Magnus looked at his shoes and kicked a few little stones that were lying on the sidewalk.

“Why not?”

“I.. I don’t know how I feel about him yet. I think it is still too early for me. We have been going out for six months. Don’t you think it is too early?” Alec stopped walking and pulled Magnus towards him by his elbow. He looked deeply into his chocolate brown eyes. He smiled softly at him, Magnus always wanted Alec’s advice before making a big decision.

“I can’t really decide that for you,” Alec cupped Magnus’ face between his hands and softly stroked his cheeks.

“You have to do that yourself. You’ll know it if you do.” He let go of Magnus and started walking towards their loft again. They walked in a comfortable silence for another ten minutes, before they reached their apartment building.

“Have you ever been in love Alec?”

“Yeah, I think so,” he said while looking up at the shining stars. This was such a bright night, all the stars shone like they’ve never did before. They walked inside the building, making their way to their apartment.

“Really, with who? I’m your best friend I’m supposed to know.”

“I think I’ve been in love, but I’ve never acted on it. I guess I’m just too afraid.” Magnus nodded and unlocked the door, Alec wanted to walk towards his bedroom, but Magnus’ hand stopped him.

“Alexander, maybe you should act on it. You never know, it might turn into something that was worth the trouble. Life is too short to regret the things we didn’t do. You will never have peace until you know if the other felt or feels the same.” In that moment all Alec wanted to do was kiss Magnus, kiss him right there in their hallway. So why didn’t he? He didn’t know, he was just stuck on the floor, standing there like some kind of statue. Not sure what to do.

Magnus leaned in and Alec thought his heart would explode. He gave Alec a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug. Pulling the taller man tight against him.

“Thank you for tonight, for everything, for just being you.” Magnus mumbled in the crook of Alec’s neck. “Good night, Alexander.” Alec shivered at the whispered words and watched Magnus walk away. He stood still for what felt like hours, but he eventually got his feet to work again and walked towards his room. He plopped down on the bed and groaned. “Ughhhh……” He screamed in his pillow.

Little did Alec know that Magnus, on the other side of the apartment, did exactly the same.

 

***

 

When Magnus woke up the next morning he had a pounding headache. Which was odd since had hadn’t drunk _that_ much. He groaned but put on this sweatpants and one of Alec’s hoodies and walked towards the kitchen. The smell of coffee fresh in the air. But other than most mornings he heard chattering coming from the kitchen. In the kitchen sat Isabelle, Alec’s sister, and Alec having breakfast.

“My dear Isabelle,” Magnus exclaimed. Izzy got up from her chair and walked over to Magnus to hug him.

“Magnus, congratulations,” Izzy said while pulling away from the hug.

“Well, thank you. It was a shame you couldn’t be there,” Magnus pouted, his pout soon turned into a genuine smile.

“I know, I really wanted to be there. But I couldn’t and I’m so sorry. But I do have a present for you later.”

“You know how much I like gifts.”

“That I do. So my brother here told me the fashion show was great, but I know that it was better than great. Tell me all about it, I want to know everything. From beginning to end.” Magnus chuckled.

“Isabelle! Let the guy have some privacy,” Alec yelled.  
“Shut up, Alec. Magnus doesn’t mind does he?” She looked at him and Magnus shook his head.

Magnus walked over to the coffee machine and poured himself some coffee and sat down next to Alec.

“Okay, so we got out of the car and there was this beautiful red carpet rolled out for us. I felt so honered. But the place looked amazing, chandeliers everywhere. And the runway was full of glitter, my favorite kind.” He smirked while Izzy said “of course”. “I was wearing a red bordeau suit with some hints of glitter and a white shirt. I really looked fabulous. Come on, Alexander, you were there, tell her how beautiful I looked.” Magnus winked at him and Alec muttered something under his breath.

“You looked amazing, Mags,” Alec said in a monotone voice.

“Aw thank you, darling.” Magnus gave Alec a quick kiss on the cheek and continued his story.

“Then Imasu and I walk backstage and I find out that there are a few problems. Knowing me you’ll probably know what happened.” Izzy just nodded. “Well I got an attack, but this one didn’t really last very long, luckily. And Alec was there.” Magnus said smiling and grabbed Alec’s hand giving it a squeeze.

They talked about the fashion show some more, but eventually Magnus had to leave to sort some stuff out.

“So how are you dealing with all of this?” Isabelle asked Alec when Magnus had gone out the door.

“What do you mean?” he asked Izzy.

“You know what I mean. The whole Magnus and Imasu thing.” Alec groaned and got up from his seat.

“I don’t know, Izzy.” He said raising his voice a little.

“How would you like it if the person you’re in love with is dating someone else. Because, honestly, I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t confess my feelings, I don’t want to stop hanging out with Magnus. I just don’t know!” He turned his back on Isabelle and leaned against the counter.

“Woah,” Izzy was shocked at her brother’s reaction. “I’m so sorry big brother.” She walked over to him and hugged him from behind. Alec turned around and looked at Isabelle with tear filled eyes.

“I know, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”

When Izzy left, Alec had to leave soon too. He had classes to get to, maybe that would take his mind off of Magnus.

 

***

 

That night when he got home, he couldn’t find Magnus anywhere. Normally he would be home before Alec. He would text Alec if he was going to be out. Eventually he went to the last place Magnus could be, the roof.

“There you are,” Alec sighed from relief when he saw Magnus sitting on the ground looking at the stars.

It was a really bright night, the stars had never looked so beautiful.

“Here I am,” Magnus said with a broken voice.

Alec looked at Magnus who was looking at the sky, he looked so beautiful, but also so heartbroken.

“Magnus, what happened?”

Magnus sniffed but answered Alec’s question. “Imasu and I had our first huge fight.”

“Oh, that is horrible. I’m so sorry,” Alec genuinely said. He hated it whenever Magnus was sad.

“It’s okay, another milestone, right?” Magnus said sarcastically.

Alec scrunched down to Magnus’ level and sat down next to him. He wrapped his arms around him and let him cry softly against his shoulder.

After a while Magnus calmed down, Alec had cheered him up a bit.

“Wow, Look look look, look at it.” Magnus jumped up and pointed at a falling star.

“Look how beautiful that is,” Magnus sighed and pulled Alec up.

And the only thing Alec wanted to say was, not as beautiful as you. He wished he could, but things would be different and he didn’t wanted to screw up their friendship. And he couldn’t do that, especially now. Magnus was upset and Alec had to be there for him. So he just settled for a quiet “Yes it is.”

“Make a wish, Alexander.” Magnus smiled. And all Alec could think of was to have Magnus in his life, forever. Even if it was as just a friend.

They stared at the sky for several minutes in a comfortable silence when Magnus decided to break it.

“Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you did things differently?”

“What do you mean?” Alec asked.

“For example, If we didn’t met. My life would be so different, do you ever think about that?”

“So we’re having a deep conversation, are we? Honestly?” Magnus nodded.

“I have thought about it, actually. What would my life be if I didn’t have a cocky, arrogant,” Magnus scoffed and Alec chuckled. “I was not finished but equally supportive and kind and amazing friend. But I couldn’t imagine it, I honestly can’t imagine my life without you, Mags,” Alec said while scrunching down to sit on the ground again. Magnus sat next to him and looked at him with a big and goofy smile. “And I really don’t want to.” Magnus chuckled, “You’re being a sap, Alexander.”

“No, but really. I sometimes don’t know what I would’ve done without you, how I would’ve dealt with my parents splitting up, with the whole me coming out and with so much more. I really don’t know.”

“Me neither, I’m actually surprised that you haven’t run away yet. The things you know about me are not easy to deal with. And I really appreciate you always having my back, dealing with my panic attacks and being there for me in times like these,” Magnus admitted. Alec put an arm around Magnus and they looked at the sky again, both happy with the silence and the tranquility of this night.

“Always,” Alec whispered and he kissed Magnus’ temple softly.

Honestly, these nights were the best nights ever. Just them talking about serious stuff, about the future, about the past, about everything that crosses their minds. It was these nights that made Alec realise that he could never lose Magnus, ever. After a while they were both pretty tired and decided to go to sleep, saying their goodnights and heading towards their own bedrooms.

 

***

“Wakie wakie sunshine,” Magnus exclaimed the next morning, opening the curtains.

“It is a brand new day.” He smiled. Alec grumbled and hid his face in the pillows on his bed. His back hurt like hell and he was still tired from last night.

“Come on, mr. Grumpycat,” Magnus walked over to his bed and kneeled down to Alec’s level. He pushed a frew strays of hair out of his face and smiled when Alec scrunched up his nose.

“No, good morning. Bad mornin, I wanna sleep morning.”

“But I made you coffeeee…..” Magnus sang.

“You did?” Alec shot up from the bed and grabbed the mug from the table.

He gulped it down in a few seconds.

“You caffeine freak. What would you do without it?” Magnus chuckled.

“Not survive, I think.” Magnus laughed and took the mug.

“I’m making breakfast, do you want anything?” He said and walked towards the kitchen.

“I dunno, what are you making?”

“Pancakes with chocolate chips, you’re favorite.”

“Can I have some, please? Pretty please?” Alec whined.

“Who could say no to that face,” Magnus chuckled and started making the pancakes.

Alec walked over to the kitchen and leaned against the frame of the door.

“Well, as long as you can’t.” he smirked.

“Alexander!” Magnus exclaimed. “Are you using your power over me for your advantage?”

“Of course I am,” he chuckled while walking over to Magnus to give him a kiss on his cheek.

“Don’t you have an appointment with Imasu today?” he asked curiously. Magnus stopped his movements and tensed a bit.

“No, he cancelled.” He said looking over his shoulder at Alec, his voice sounded dissapointed. “So, I am completely free to do whatever you want. What do you want to do? Watch a movie until we both pass out?”

“As much as I would love that, I have class today at 14:00. We can’t all have a job where you can choose whenever you work.” Magnus scoffed.  
“pfft… I have vacation, if you must know.” Alec chuckled.

“Well, I do too in a few weeks. Then I get a break from teaching. And I’m really excited,” he jumped up and did his happy dance, although he would never admit it to anybody but Magnus.

“You’re ridiculous, do you know that? Now, let’s eat. The pancakes are ready.”

“Are you going to talk to him soon, though?” Alec asked, but Magnus averted his eyes.

“I guess so, I’ll talk to him I think. I don’t know.” Magnus brushed off.

 

***

 

Alec was busy grading some tests from his students when he heard his phone ring. He looked over to the table, but to his surprise he couldn’t find his phone. He looked in his bag, still no phone. The phone had been ringing for several seconds now, so it must be urgent. Alec started to panic and picked all his papers up, making a mess. “Shit,” he cursed. His phone fell on the ground, but was remarkably not broken. He picked up without looking.

“Hello?” he asked uncertain.

“Alexander!” Magnus’ voice sounded cheerful and happy and Alec couldn’t help but let a smile slip out.

“Magnus,” he whined. “You know you can’t call me under work hours,” he retorted.

“Yes, I know, darling. But this is an emergency!”

“Okay, tell me.”

“When are you off from work, I wanted to get some dinner with you.”

“That is not an emergency!” Alec exclaimed.

“We are talking about dinner here, darling. Of course this is an emergency.” Magnus said with a hint of hurt in his voice.

“Magnus…. I’m gonna say this one last time. Phone calls under work are for emergencies.” Alec heard Magnus opening his mouth to argue. “No, let me finish. For emergencies, not food emergencies. For emergencies like you’re sick or you’re in the hospital or my sister is in the hospital. Not for dinner reservations.” Alec said stern.

“Yes, sir… I won’t do it again. But do you want to go out and get dinner tonight?”

“I don’t know how long I will be.” He said honestly.

“Pleaasseee……” magnus whined, Alec could practically hear him pouting through the phone.

“Are you pouting?”

“No………. Okay yes. Pleas have dinner with me, to cheer me up. I’m in a very sad mood.” Magnus said whiny. Alec looked at his colleague, Lydia, who just nodded.

“Fine, I will have dinner with you. But you have to pay.” Alec said.

“Yes!! Great, not a problem. I will pick you up at work, okay?”

“Yeah, sure. Bye, Mags.” Alec hang up the phone and returned to his work, which was all over the place by now.

“Guy trouble?” Lydia asked.

“Oh, no that was just Magnus. My best friend,” Alec explained.

“Just a friend?” Lydia raised her eyebrows out of curiousitiy.

“Yeah… Just a friend, a really great friend. And besides he has a boyfriend.”

“And he calls you to cheer him up? Okay then,” she shrugged. “I can’t wait to meet Magnus,” she said happily.

“He is quite something,” Alec smiled.

A couple of hours later they heard a knock on the door.

“Hello? I come to pick up professor Lightwood.” Magnus teased.

“Ha ha ha, very funny.” Alec grabbed his coat and collected his papers.

“Aren’t you going to introduce me?” Magnus said shocked. Alec rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Magnus, this is my collegue Lydia. Lydia, this is my friend Magnus.” Alec deadpanned.

“Alexander!” Magnus exclaimed. “I thought I was more than just a friend.” Magnus put his hand over his heart dramatically.

“Hi, I’m Magnus. Alec’s best friend,” he said while looking at Alec. “And his roommate.”

“Hi, I’m Lydia. It’s really nice to meet you.”

“Thank you, you too. Shall we?” he said looking at Alec.

“Yes, let’s go. Lydia, I’ll send you the changes and mistakes and if you’ll send me the reports from the Shakespeare assignment then I can look into it.”

“Sure, have fun!” she yelled after them.

When they were walking out of the school, Magnus said “She seems nice.”

“She is. So where do you want to eat?” Alec asked.

“Well, I thought something Indonesian. What are you in the mood for?”

“Indonesian sounds fine,” Alec shrugged.

“Is something wrong?” Magnus looked at Alec concerned.

“Not really, I just got a phone call from Izzy, that upset me a little. But I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

“Yeah, fine. But you can always talk to me, you do know that right?”

“I do.” Magnus gave Alec one of his most heart warming smiles. Magnus grabbed Alec’s hand and dragged him towards the food place.

 

***

 

“Oh my god, that was delicious,” Magnus exclaimed.

“Yes it was,” Alec said sleepy, he was really tired.

They were walking home, but when they entered their apartment it wasn’t empty like they thought it would be.

“What are you doing here?” Magnus said.

“Hi,” everyone greeted them. And by everyone, it had been almost everyone. Izzy, Jace, Clary (Jace’s girlfriend), Simon ( Magnus’ friend and sort of Izzy’s boyfriend), Maia (wonderful bartender and one of their friends) and even Luke. Luke was Clary’s stepfather who they all could get along with really well. Especially Magnus. Magnus and Luke had been friends before they met Clary.

“Izzy, that key was for emergencies.” Alec frowned and glared at her.

“It was an emergency, we were looking for a place to just hang out.”

“Seriously does nobody understand the word emergency!” Alec sighed and plopped down on the couch, Magnus sat next to him.

“Don’t worry, darling. It has been far too long that all of us hung out together.” Magnus looked at Alec with a pout and puppy dog eyes.

“Fine, they can stay. It’s not like I could kick them out anyway.” Magnus smiled happily and tucked some strands of hair back from Alec’s face.

“So which movie are we watching?” Simon asked.

“Oeh are we watching a movie, I’ll make the popcorn.” Isabelle jumped up and walked towards the kitchen.

“ _My_ popcorn,” Alec stated.

“Yes, your popcorn. Somebody wants to drink something too, I’m already here anyway?” she smirked at Alec, who just sulked on the couch.

“Oh come on, Alexander. Let loose a little. Can you do that for me? Pleasseee…” Magnus whined.

“Fine, for you.” Alec rolled his eyes and grabbed some chips off the table.

The whole room was filled with laughter when Simon came back with the movie.

“Lord of the rings?” Luke asked.

“Yes, Lord of the rings. It is amazing and you’re going to love it.”

“But most of us have already seen it.” Magnus explained.

“That doesn’t matter it’s still amazing.” Simon put the movie on and shushed anyone who tried to argue with him.

“I guess we’re watching Lord of the Rings,” Jace said while pulling Clary closer to him.

Simon and Izzy shared a blanket on one of the loveseats. Luke was sitting next to Maia, cracking up jokes. Jace and Clary had squeezed themselves into one of the chairs and Magnus and Alec were sitting incredibly close on the couch with Alec’s arm over Magnus’s shoulders.

It had been a fun night, until a certain someone decided to show up.

“Magnus?” asked an all too familiar voice.

“Imasu! What are you doing here?” Magnus pushed himself off of Alec and walked over to him. Alec followed him with a gaze, but caught Izzy’s eyes looking at him. He rolled his eyes and got up from the couch to go to the bathroom.

“Can we talk?”

“Sure,” Magnus answered. “Let’s go into the hallway, okay? It is a little crowded in here.”

When Magnus closed the door Imasu started to talk.

“Hi,” Imasu said soflty.

“Hi,”

“So you’re having fun?”

“Imasu, cut the crap. What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to apologise to you. About the stuff that I said and the things that I’ve done. I never meant to hurt you, I just wanted you to care.”

“You wanted me to care? And you were trying to do that by flirting with someone else?” Magnus raised his voice.

“Yes, I did. It just doesn’t seem like you care about me. All you talk about is Alec.”

“All Alec and I have is friendship,”  Magnus said, it hurt him to say it. Even though it was true, he didn’t want it to be.

“I promise you I care about you, Imasu. I do, but if you have to cheat for you to know that then maybe we shouldn’t be together.”

“Magnus, please don’t say that. I do know and I was stupid. I love you so much, please give me an other chance,” he begged.

“You’re lucky that you’re cute.” Magnus grabbed Imasu’s neck and pulled him closer, softly brushing his lips against his. Imasu smiled into the kiss.

“So do you want to come in?”

“Yes.”

They walked in together, hand in hand. Magnus dragged Imasu to the couch and sat down with him. Cuddling close to him while watching the rest of the movie. Slowly but surely people started to leave. Isabelle and Simon being the last ones, Simon wanted to see the end of the movie. Alec never came out of his room again that night, he just wanted to be alone.

 

***

 

In the following week Imasu and Magnus had been inseprable while Alec was still sulking.

Class had been so stressful that day, everyone had been complaining about the due date and so much more. Izzy had called once again that day and it hadn’t exactly brightened up his mood. The one thing Alec needed right now was to lounge on his couch and talk to Magnus about his day. His day probably had been terrible too. He had his hands full with groceries so it was not easy to get the key in the lock. When Alec turned his key, he heard muffled voices coming from the living room. Magnus had a guest over? He asked himself. When he went to the living room he saw Magnus making out on the couch with Imasu. They were in a very compromising position, Magnus had seated himself on Imasu’s lap and Imasu’s hands were in Magnus’ hair. Alec gaped at the pair and dropped his bags, by accident. And if that wasn’t enough, he also spilled his coffee on the floor. It still hurt to see them like this, time after time.

The men abruptly pulled away to see Alec picking up his stuff from the ground, trying to mop up his coffee spill with his vest.

“Alexander, you’re home.” Magnus exclaimed.

“Yes, I am,” he said still busy to mop up the stain.

“Imasu, honey would you get a towel for me?” Imasu stood up and walked passed Alec with a glare.

“Do you need help with that, Alec?”

“No thank you, I can handle it.”

 “Yes, but darling, you don’t know a thing about coffee and carpets.” Magnus grinned and walked over to where Alec was kneeling. He kneeled beside him, stopping his rubbing at the floor with his hand.

“Magnus, I can do this myself. I don’t need your help!” he yelled at him. Magnus winced but let his fingers glide over Alec’s and Alec’s hazel eyes finally looked into his. Magnus had a concerned look on his face, “Alexander, what’s wrong? Did everything go okay at work?”

He reached out to push a strand of hair out of Alec’s face, but Alec turned his face.

“No, Magnus everything didn’t go okay! Just leave me alone,” Alec’s voice was still shaking.

“Okay, fine,” He said harshly and stood up.

When Imasu came back from the kitchen he gave Alec the towel and walked over to Magnus, who now was standing.

“Let’s go to my room,” he said to Imasu. Magnus walked out of the room, leaving Alec and Imasu alone.

“What do you want, Imasu?”

Imasu kneeled down, so that he was close to Alec’s face.

“If you ever, do as much as try something with Magnus, I will find you. And it won’t be for a happy visit.” He whispered in his ear, making Alec shiver.

When Imasu got out of the room, Alec got back to rubbing the floor. He started getting a lump in his throat and tears started to well up. He couldn’t do it anymore, he didn’t want to hold back. He didn’t know what to do. So he just cried silently, sobbing over the carpet in the living room. Crying for something he couldn’t have, like he was some child, he thought. Why did he have to get back with him? Why did it break his heart so much, everytime he saw them together. He didn’t even know if his heart could break anymore. He was so afraid. He got up, wiped his tears away, and pulled himself together. When he was in his room, he called the one person besides Magnus who could cheer him up.

 

***

 

“Hey, Jace. I need to go out. Right now. Do you have any plans?”

“Nope, I’ll swing by at your place. Is everything okay?” he asked.

“I’ll tell you about it later, and I will just meet you at the bar.”

“Hunter’s moon?”

“Yeah, sure. See you there.” The line went dead and Alec changed his clothes. He yelled to Magnus that he was going out and he was on his way to the bar.

When he got there he saw Jace talking to one of the bartenders, Maia. They had dated for a while, but it hadn’t been anything serious. More of a physical relationship, Alec supposed.

“Hey, there he is, my big brother.” Alec sat down, and grabbed two of the shots in front of him and gulped them down.

“Woah, dude slow down. We got all night.” After they’ve had a few drinks, Jace decided to speak up.

“So, are you going to tell me what’s going on? I mean I love our time together, but we don’t go out drinking that much.” He chuckled.

“It’s Magnus.” Jace didn’t needed to know more, he slapped Alec reasuringly on the shoulder and sighed.

“What about him this time?”

“It’s him and Imasu. They are doing ‘stuff’ at the apartment,” Alec looked at his drink and knocked it back.

“I just need to forget for a moment. Had a tough day at work, and I don’t want their image playing in my mind.”

“Yeah, I know when you’re lying to me Alec. I know you.” He stated.

“What do you mean?”

“I also know that dad’s wedding invitation got out the door today.” Alec scoffed, Oh yeah his dad was getting remarried to some woman.

“You know that he didn’t even send me one? Hmm.. Did you know that I had to hear it from Iz. She called me last week to give me a heads up, and she called today again. Did you know that?” His voice full with anger. He waved his hand to get another drink.

“Really? That’s messed up.” Jace’s voice sounded angry.

“You’re telling me? I know he isn’t exactly proud of me, but he doesn’t want to invite me to his wedding with his new girlfriend. What, is he afraid I might bring a date?”

“Fuck him, seriously. He knows we won’t come to his wedding, so why would he bother to send us one. To rub it in that he’s got a new life now?” Jace asked.

“I don’t know, but I do know that I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“You know, you can talk to me right? About anything, I’m here for you,” Jace said sincere.

“I know, and I’m sorry that I use you to get drunk.”

“No worry, for tonight, I’ll just say drink up!” Jace knocked his drink back and waved his hand for another round.

Alec stumbled his way over to his apartment. Honestly he didn’t know how he even got there. Jace had offered to walk with him, but Alec had refused. It was past 1:00 when he pushed the door open and fell inside. On his face. He groaned, making an incredibly loud noice.

“Shh,” he shushed himself. “Magnus might hear.”

“Too late,” he heard a familiar voice say.

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood, where have you been?” Magnus said firm.

“Out..” he just replied. Magnus obviously could see he was drunk.

“That isn’t answer enough,” Magnus glared at him. Alec sat up and crawled his way over to the wall, so he could lean against it.

“Well, what do you care?” Alec spat, not meeting Magnus’ eyes. Too afraid to see that he did.

Magnus walked over to him and  scrunched down to Alec’s level, he pulled Alec’s chin up to look at him.

“Of course I care.” He softly said. “I was worried sick, I didn’t know where you were. Alexander, please don’t scare me like that again.” Alec could see that Magnus was on the verge of tears.  He finally looked up into Magnus’ eyes. “Don’t you have to go to your boyfriend?” Alec asked mockingly.

“No, I don’t. I need to be with you.”

“I don’t need you,” Alec mumbled. He saw Magnus’ expression change from worried to hurt.

“Alec, what is going on?” Magnus pulled him tight against his chest and the only thing Alec could do was cry his eyes out. He silently sobbed into Magnus’ shoulder.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean that. I just….  I’m so useless …. And so ……annoying… I’m just in your way….”

“Darling, don’t apologise. You are not useless or annoying or in my way. You are wonderful, and kind and sweet. Why are you so upset?”

“My dad….. he.. a … didn’t send me…. An invitation…. To his ….. wedding.” He sobbed and let the tears fall down his cheeks. “and… Izzy and Jace did get one… I knew he wasn’t proud but…. ashamed?” He couldn’t talk anymore with the lump that was in his throat, so he just let Magnus hug him tight against his chest while he whispered soothing words.

After Alec calmed down a bit Magnus broke the silence. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were busy with him and I didn’t want to be an inconvenience.” Magnus’ expression was shocked, he cupped Alec’s face and made him look at him.

“Alexander Lightwood, you are not and are never going to be an inconvenience.” Alec just nodded at him. Magnus got up and reached a hand out to Alec.

“Come on, do you want to sleep in my bed with me for tonight?” Alec’ heart wanted to say yes, but his head tried to say no. This probably wasn’t a good idea. But he didn’t care right now, he was still under the affects of alcohol. He grabbed Magnus’ hands but asked. “What about Imasu?”

“Oh, he went home. I was too worried about you, to focus on him,” Magnus said while walking towards his room.

He threw Alec one of his sweatpants and a shirt. He himself put on a hoodie and some sweatpants and got in the bed. Alec crawled in beside him. His brow furrowed.

“Is that my hoodie?” he asked.

“Maybeeee…….” Alec raised his eyebrows. “Okay, fine it is. It is very comfortable and you left it here some time, so now it’s mine. Now come closer, I’m supposed to comfort you,” Magnus demanded.

Alec chuckled but followed his orders. He layed his head on Magnus’ chest and Magnus softly started running his fingers through Alec’s hair.

“Are you okay, darling? As much as you can be.”

“Yes I’m fine, just tired and still a little tipsy.”

“Then sleep,” Magnus pushed a kiss to his hair.

“Goodnight, Magnus.” He said.

“Goodnight, Alexander. Sweet dreams. I’ll be here when you need me okay?” Alec closed his eyes while drifting away. Maybe it was awkward to sleep in the same bed as your crush when you aren’t together, but somehow it felt right.

 

***

When Alec woke up the sun was shining in his face, it took him a moment to realise where he was. He was in Magnus’ bedroom, he rolled onto his back and reached his hand out to Magnus. Only to be greeted by empty linen sheets. He sat up in bed, opened his eyes fully and looked around the room. Magnus must already be up, he thought. His thoughts were disrupted by a humming coming from the bathroom. He smiled to himself, before he realised what had happened yesterday. Sure he was in Magnus’ bed, but sometimes when Alec got really drunk Magnus offered him his bed, so that wasn’t really unusual. He groaned at the thought.

He placed his feet on the cool floor and reached for his shirt that had miraculously come off and was now lying on the floor. Alec was still really tired and his headache didn’t really help him, but at least he didn’t feel like throwing up. He stumbled towards the kitchen to get some caffeine in his system and waited for Magnus to come out of the shower. He looked for some food, but didn’t find much. Just some fruit and bagels.

“Yeah, I probably should’ve bought more yesterday,” Alec complained silently.

“What? No breakfast?” Magnus walked out of the bathroom with his shirt still off. He had on black sweats, that hung dangerously low according to Alec and rubbed at towel on his head. Why did he have to be so hot? Alec thought.

“Not really, I forgot to buy some yesterday.” Magnus walked over to where Alec was standing and looked inside of the fridge.

“I can make something of it,” Magnus stated.

They sat down at the dinner table, eating their breakfast. Magnus had made a wonderful fruit salad, roasted the bagels and put some butter on them.

“Thanks,” Alec said after a few moments of silence.

“No, need to thank me darling,” Magnus’ eyes lit up when he smiled at Alec.

“I meant about last night.” Alec looked down on his food again, unsure of Magnus’ reaction.

“Me too,” Magnus softly said.

“But I acted like a complete idiot,” Alec argued.

“Yes, you did. But you had every right to be upset.” Magnus reached out to grab Alec’s hand. Rubbing circles in his hand with his thumb.

“Just, thank you for always being here for me, Magnus.”

“Always, even when I’m three and a half thousand miles away,” Magnus looked guilty while he said the last part.

“That seems odly specific… What do you mean?” Alec asked confused.

“Ehm… I don’t really know how to tell you,” Magnus fidgeted with his jacket, so Alec knew he was nervous.

“Okay, here it goes. Remember that apprenticeship with that french designer?”

“The one you were so excited about, of course I do.” Alec replied.

“Well, they want me to go to Paris for six months to work with him,” Magnus looked up at Alec, who had a surprised look on his face.

“Wow, Magnus! That is great,” Alec said enthousiastically. He got up from his chair and hugged Magnus tightly against his chest.

“Yeah, I think so too.” Magnus smiled at Alec when they pulled apart.

“When?” Alec asked.

“In four months.”

“Wow, Oh my god I’m so happy for you,” he shouted happily and hugged Magnus again, spinning him around.

“Really?” asked Magnus unsure.

“Yes, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, I was actually scared to tell you. We haven’t been apart in what? Six years?”

“We’ll figure something out,” Alec said still smiling. Yes, it hurt him that Magnus was going away. But he had to be happy for his friend, after all Magnus always had been supportive of him. He would miss him like crazy, but that would be a problem in four months not right now. Right now, he had to show his friend that he supported him no matter what.

 

***

 

Although Alec had been happy about the news, Imasu wasn’t as thrilled.  
It was a friday night when Magnus told Imasu the news. Well, told? Alec accidentally let something slip out. He hadn’t realised that Magnus hadn’t told him yet.

 “Alexander,” Magnus beamed at him.

“Hi, guys,” Alec said awkwardly, he walked towards the kitchen.“Mags, I actually had a question for you.” He yelled, peeking his head out of the door opening.

“Yes, darling?” Magnus turned his head to look at him.

“When exactly are you going to fly out to Paris? So I can take the day off.”

Magnus’ eyes grew wide and his heart sunk in his stomach. Alec just stood in the door opening waiting for his answer. He didn’t realise his mistake until Imasu started talking.

“You’re flying out to Paris?”

“I’ll just be in my room if anyone needs me.” Alec said while shooting Magnus an apologetic look. Magnus mouthed ‘It’s fine’ to him. When Alec left the room, Magnus turned to Imasu.

“Okay, honey. I have to tell you something,” Magnus began. “Last week, I got an email. From the team of this fashion designer in France. They asked me if I could come to Paris this summer and work alongside the designer. They’d seen my work of the last months, and they loved it. So in four months I will be heading out to Paris for six months.” Magnus scrunched his nose nervously, silently waiting for his response.

“Uhm. Okay. Eh. So you said yes already ” Imasu stuttered.

“Yes, I did.” Magnus simply said.

“Without talking to me about it?” he looked at Magnus with furrowed brows.

“Yes, because I didn’t think I would need your approval,” Magnus was honestly surprised by Imasu’s response. He didn’t say anything about how great this opportunity was.

“Apparently not.” Imasu scoffed. Magnus tensed up at his words and got up from the couch.

“What do you mean by that?”

“You don’t even consult me about anything, Magnus. Even with this. You’ll be going away for months and you didn’t even tell me until now. And that was because Alec blurted it out. Who already knew, why wasn’t I the first one you told?”

“Are we really going to argue about this again?” Magnus’ voice sounded so tired of this conversation.

“Yes, we are. I’m your boyfriend, he is your best friend. I expect you to tell me stuff first. Especially stuff that involve you leaving for another country and leaving me alone. What, did you think we would be broken up by then?”

“Well, we do argue an aweful lot lately. Don’t you think?” Magnus replied sarcastically.

“God, Magnus. Sometimes you’re so difficult to handle.” He mumbled.

“I’m difficult? Says the guy who can only fight over one thing.” Magnus spat at him.

“You know what? I’m gonna leave you and your new boyfriend alone. Because apparently he is more important to you.”

“You’re really gonna leave? Just like that?” Magnus wanted to talk this out, not fight and then a few days later apologise. He wanted to talk things through, to get it out of the air. Like he did with Alec whenever they fought.

“I just need some air,” Imasu said and left the room. It was awefully silent, until Magnus started sobbing. The door creaked open and Alec walked out. Magnus plopped down on the couch with his head in his hands.

Alec just sat next to him, in silence. An arm over Magnus’ shoulders, pulling him closer, so that he could cry. Let the frustration out.

Magnus eventually looked at Alec with fresh tears in his eyes.

“Am I really that difficult to handle?” he said broken.

“Oh no no no no, Magnus. You’re not. Absolutely not, you’re not a burden. Believe me. You’re just really passionate about some things, but that’s what I love about you.” Alec’s heart broke when he heard Magnus ask that. Magnus always believed that he didn’t deserve to be loved, that all the bad things that happened to him were for a reason. It took Alec years to make Magnus see that he was loved and that he deserved it. That he deserved good things. And just one man made Magnus question everything Alec told him.

A few hours later

“You want to go with me to the club?” Magnus asked.

“Mags, is that such a good idea? Maybe you should call Imasu again,” Alec suggested.

“No, Alec. It is friday night. I just got incredible news and I’m sitting here at home. Moaning about my boyfriend. I wanna dance and get incredibly drunk.” Alec rolled his eyes.

“I know but…”

“No but.. Now do you want to come or are you going to let me go all on my own?” Magnus pouted his lips.

“Okay, I guess I’ll come.” Alec sighed, not wanting to let Magnus go to the club alone.

“I knew you couldn’t resist my charm,” Magnus chuckled.

 

***

 

After a night full of Magnus dancing, drinking and grinding, they returned home.

“But, Alleeecc…. I don’t want to go just yet. Can’t I stay?”

“Magnus, no you can’t you’re extremely drunk and I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“Aww, you’re a such a cutie. But can’t I…..” Magnus began, but Alec looked him stern in the eye.

“Fine, but can you give me a piggy back ride? My feet really hurt…. Alleeccc.”

“God, you’re annoying when you’re drunk.” Alec responded but did what he asked and got Magnus on his back.

“Am not,” Magnus retorted, he sounded more like a child than he participated for. “Now giddy up horsey,” he giggled. Alec rolled his eyes “Do you want me to drop you here on the streets?”

“Noooo, please don’t do that. I’ll be good I promise.”

The walk home was exhausting especially for Alec’s part. He laid Magnus soflty down on the bed.

“See, wasn’t that fun, Alexander?” Magnus said moving into a sitting position. Alec sat down next to him.

“Extremely,” Alec commented sarcastically. “Especially the part where I had to babysit you.”

“Don’t be sassy with me, Lightwood.” Alec stuck out his tongue and Magnus returned the favor.

“You’re such a child,” Alec said.

“It takes one to know one.”

“Pff, now go to sleep. Or else you’ll get a major hangover.”

“But it was fun right?” Magnus asked again.

“A little, I liked to hang out with you again. Like we used to.” Alec smiled as Magnus nodded his head.

“And I haven’t even thought about Imasu all night.” Magnus blurted out. “Shit.” He cursed.

“You want my opinion?” Alec asked.

“Sure why not?”

“I think he is an idiot.” Magnus chuckled. “Oh I hope that you don’t remember this tomorrow. I think he is extremely dull, jealous and manipulative. And he is a moron for letting you go and fighting with you all the time. He doesn’t deserve you, Mags.” Alec softly said, Magnus just smiled drunkenly at him.

“You’re so sweet, Alexander.” Magnus cupped Alec’s face in his hands, stroking his cheeks. “How come you don’t have somebody?” Alec shrugged, he really didn’t think that this was the right time to tell Magnus he was in love with him. Alec was still concentrated on his own thoughts when suddenly Magnus leaned forward, connecting their lips together. Alec was in complete shock, but then melted into the kiss. He wanted this so badly. Magnus’ lips felt so soft against his own, slowly moving, brushing against his. He tasted sweet, like strawberries, but also like the bitter taste of alcohol. Magnus leaned in closer, tugging on Alec’s hair. Still kissing him slowly. When they pulled away for air, Alec’s eyes widened. He had kissed Magnus, he had kissed Magnus! But this wasn’t how it was supposed to go, not while they were drunk. Not like this. Alec pulled away from Magnus and stood up.

“Magnus, I’m sorry. You’re drunk, you need to sleep. Good night, Magnus.” Alec bolted out of the room and into his, leaving Magnus with a confused expression on his face. He fell down on the bed face first. “Ughhh…!!!” he screamed into a pillow. OH MY GOD he kissed Magnus freaking Bane. Did Magnus have feelings for him too? Did he do it just to see what happened? Did he do it because he was lonely? He probably kissed him because he was drunk. It didn’t mean anything right? Was it supposed to mean anything? Alec wanted it to mean anything, did Magnus too? He was so confused, he walked out of his room, deciding to take a shower. But even there the thoughts didn’t leave his mind.

Meanwhile Magnus was beating himself up. How could he have been this stupid? Of course Alec didn’t feel anything for him. Why did he do this? Is this the end of their friendship? Magnus couldn’t bare it if it was, he couldn’t lose Alec. How could he have been so stupid? He was still in a relationship with Imasu, should he break things off? He wondered. After hours of puzzling, he decided to talk to Alec about it in the morning. To tell him that it didn’t mean anything, even though it did. To tell him, he was just drunk and sad and needed comfort. That he was deeply sorry and that it won’t happen again, hopefully he could save the relationship. As for now he closed his eyes, praying that he could fall asleep.

 

***

 

So that is what he does in the morning.

Alec walked out of the shower in the morning still repeating last nights activities in his head.

Magnus sat on the couch fidgeting with his sleeve. “Alexander? Can we talk?” magnus asked unsure. Alec scraped his throat and coughed nervously. “Sure.” Alec went over to the couch and sat next to Magnus, facing him.

“I want to talk to you about last night. First of all, I want to thank you for taking care of me. Secondly, I want to apologise. I’m so sorry for what happened yesterday.” Alec interrupted him. “Magnus, it’s fine.”

“No it’s not. I could’ve hurt your feelings, or ruined things for us. So I want to say sorry. I didn’t mean to kiss you. It was a dumb drunken mistake and it won’t happen again. I guess I was just looking for comfort, I’m sorry I used you.  Do you still want to be my best friend?” Alec swallowed nervously. “Of course I do.” He said and hugged Magnus. So it hadn’t meant anything to Magnus it had been a dumb drunken mistake to him. Alec wanted to cry, to scream at the top of his lungs. Magnus didn’t feel anything for him, he was sure of it. At least now he knows and maybe, just maybe he could move on. But once again, Magnus disrupted his thoughts.

“And I called Imasu this morning, he apologised and we made up.” Alec looked at Magnus, he wanted to shake him awake. To yell at him for not choosing him, but choosing such an aweful person. But it was Magnus’ decision and he respected that.

“I’m sorry I said all those things about him last night,” Alec muttered. “I didn’t mean them, I just wanted to make you feel better.” He said, even though he meant every single word that he said.

“It’s fine, darling. Don’t fret.” Magnus gave him a smile. “So are we fine?” he asked Alec.

“Yes, we’re fine.” Alec lied. He stood up from the couch and walked towards his bedroom.

“Where are you going?” Magnus asked, tilting his head in curiosity.

“I promised Izzy I would call her to get breakfast.”

“You’re not going to eat here?”

“No, I’m not.” Alec answered.

“Is it okay if I invite Imasu?”

“Sure Magnus he is your boyfriend, you can do whatever you want.” Alec closed the door to his bedroom, reaching for his phone. “Like you always do,” he muttered. He took a deep breath and called Izzy.

“Alec, nice of you to call.” She said with glee.

“Yeah, can you meet me somewhere? I need someone to talk to.”

“Can’t you talk to Magnus?” she asked.

“It’s uh.. about Magnus,” he whispered through the phone.

“Okay, I’ll meet you in ten minutes in the park.”

“Be there in ten,” he responded. Alec grabbed his leather jacket and a woolen scarf that Magnus gave him and ran out the door. He quickly yelled a goodbye to Magnus before running down the stairs of their apartment. New York was beautiful at the moment, it was winter, so it was really cold. It was close to christmas, so that meant that the shops were filled with stuff for the holidays and that always put him in a good mood. After a while he saw Izzy sitting on a bench near the pond, waiting for him.

“Hey,” Alec said softly.

“Hi,” Izzy said. “Do you want to get some hot chocolate? I’m literally freezing to death.”

“Yeah sure, sorry Iz. Did you have to wait for me long?” Izzy stood up from the bench, they started walking towards a coffee shop. “Not really.” Izzy ordered a hot chocolate and Alec ordered a coffee black.

“So what do you want to talk about?”

“Well, ehm… It’s really difficult. So uh… Magnus and I… uhm.. How do I put this,”

“Jeezj Alec, just spit it out.” She grabbed her order from the counter, sipping on her drink.

“We kissed.”

“You what?!” She spat out her drink, everyone in the shop was staring at her. She looked guilty and whispered. “You what?”

“Well, you see. This is gonna be a long story so you better sit down for this.” He motioned towards the empty table.

“So, I told you about the french trip right?” Izzy nodded. “Well, I accidentally let it slip out in front of Imasu, who didn’t know yet. They got in a fight, Magnus wanted to get drunk and go dancing. I went with him to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid, so I carried him home. And laid him down on the bed. We started talking and I told him that Imasu didn’t deserve him. He told me that I was really sweet and before I knew it his lips were on mine.”

“Oh my god, are you dating now. Finally, I was worried it would never happen. OMG Magnus is going to be my brother in law. I’m so happy!” Izzy rambled until Alec stopped her.

“But I pulled away, I went back in my room and called it a night. This morning we talked. And just as I thought, Magnus told me it didn’t mean anything. That he only needed comfort and that he uhm.. that it.. was..a” Alec swallowed the lump in his throat, tears started rolling down his cheeks. “ A mistake.” Izzy went around the table and hugged her brother tight against her chest. “I’m so sorry Alec, I really am.”

“He made up with Imasu.” Izzy sighed and ran her hands through his hair, trying to comfort him. Eventually she pulled away and wiped away his tears.

“Alec, you know how much I love Magnus. But this isn’t right, you shouldn’t be this miserable all the time,” She said honestly. “Maybe you need to start getting over Magnus.”

“I know I do. It just hurts so much.” He pulled her back in for another tight embrace.

“I know, Alec. I know.”

 

***

 

A few weeks after the incident, Alec decided to really get over Magnus. And you know what they say. The best way to get over someone is to start dating someone else. Even though most of the times that didn’t even work out. But Alec tried, he wanted a boyfriend. Actually, he wanted Magnus but since he thought he couldn’t have him, he tried to get someone else. Alec had this new colleague, his name was Justin. He had blond hair and ocean blue eyes, he always dressed to the max and was really attractive. Not Magnus attractive, but close. Alec wanted to get to know him better, since he knew he was also gay. So he decided to invite him to the new year’s eve party Magnus was throwing.

The party was already full of people when Justin arrived. Alec walked over to the door and let the gentleman in.

“Hi,” he said shyly.

“Hi, Alec. How are you?” The man asked.

“I’m great, actually. Come in.” Alec smiled at him and gestured for him to come inside.

Alec took off his coat and hung it with the rest.

“So are you going to introduce me to your friend, Alexander?” Magnus asked.

“Sure,” Alec said nervously. “Magnus, this is Justin. Justin, this is my friend Magnus Bane.”

“Wow, Magnus Bane it is a real honor to meet you. I love your work, I am a fashion lover myself.” Justin murmurred nervously. Magnus gave him a sweet smile and nugded Alec’s side playfully.

“Well, I like him already, Alexander. He’s kind. Make yourself at home and I hope you’ll have a great time. Let’s make this last day of the year count. Am I right?”

“Yes, let’s do that.” Alec chimed in.

“Well, I’ve got to be off to Imasu again. Otherwise he’ll get worried.” Magnus joked, even though it wasn’t really a joke. Before Magnus could turn away, Alec had grabbed him by his arm.

“Mags, you don’t have to do everything he says. You know that right?” Alec whispered to Magnus. Magnus cupped his cheeks and looked lovingly at him.

“I know darling, don’t worry. I’m going to be fine, entertain your guest. If there is anything I’ll come to you, okay?” Magnus gave him a reassuring smile and walked away, Alec sighed and turned his attention back on his colleague.

“So, do you want to go to the roof?” Alec asked. “It’s really beautiful and quiet up there.”

“That sounds lovely, Alec. Lead the way,” Justin chuckled.

Alec grabbed his hand, before quickly scanning the room for Magnus, to see if he was okay. He seemed to enjoy himself, so Alec took the man upstairs.

“So, how long have you and Magnus been friends?” Justin asked while he looked over the beautiful city. It was so quiet and peaceful, you almost wouldn’t believe it was new year’s eve. Guess it was still too early.

“Well, I met Magnus when I was fourteen. He just moved and we bonded almost instantly. We’ve been through a lot together, he’s always been there for me. You know?”

“That sounds like a great relationship. Was it always, just friends?” Justin looked at Alec trying to find a indication of his discomfort. Alec swallowed deeply, but answered the question. 

“Yes, we’ve never been more than just friends. Actually, best friends. Never been anything else,” he admitted.

“Okay, good. Because I really like you Alec, but I don’t want to interrupt something that is clearly not any of my business.”

“I like you too,” Alec said while looking down. “Do you want something to drink?”

“That would be lovely,” Justin said, he looked Alec in the eyes and smiled. Alec hesitated if he should do this, the whole get a boyfriend thing. It wasn’t really what he wanted, and Justin seemed like a nice guy, he didn’t want to play with his heart. Alec walked downstairs, people were dancing to the loud music. When he got to the drink cart, Magnus stood next to him.

“So, Justin?” Magnus asked intrigued. “Is it going to be something?”

“I don’t know, maybe. I think I’ll just let things play out the way they want to.”

“Good decision,” Magnus said. “Is he the guy, you were talking about that night. After my fashion show?” Alec was taken back by his question, no dummy that was you. What should he answer, Alec thought. “Uhmm… Yeah,” he lied. Magnus felt his heart sink in his stomach, he actually had hoped that it had been him. Even though he knew that it wasn’t. Well, at least now he got his confirmation.

“I hope that this is going to be something, Alexander. You deserve it,” he smiled at him.

“Thank you, Mags. How are things with you and..” Alec pointed in Imasu’s direction.

“Things are good, I guess. Haven’t had a fight since, you know. I don’t know, he makes me feel good and loved. But lately he’s a little possesive, even though I haven’t given him any reason to be.”

“Okay, good. But don’t let him treat you like his possesion, okay? You are much more than that.” Magnus’ face lit up, in the same way it had did that night.

“You’re sweet, Alexander.” He gave Alec a quick kiss on his cheek and walked away again towards Imasu. Alec followed his steps with his eyes, accidentally locking eyes with Imasu. Who just looked suspicious at him, Alec smiled, mocking him. He walked back to the roof with two drinks.

“I got you a whiskey twist, hope you’ll like it.”

“Wonderful, thank you,” Justin took the glass from Alec and raised it.

“To a wonderful new year, with lots of love,” Justin said, Alec chuckled but clinked their glasses.

“So, Alec. What are your ambitions and your goals in life?” Justin started.

“Oh, so we are having a serious conversation, are we?” Alec joked. “Well, I would like to travel to different countries and cultures. I would love to find some way to help people just by doing my job. I know as a teacher/professor we help students, but I want more. I want to make an impression on somebody. To really change their life and motivate them to do something with their life.”

“Wow, You are one nobel guy. Alexander Lightwood.” Alec flinched a bit at the name.  
“What wrong?” Justin asked Alec worriedly.

“It’s nothing, It’s just. Nobody calls me Alexander, except Magnus. It feels a little weird.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll keep that in mind, Alec.”

“Thanks,” Alec said gratefully.

“Can you tell me a little bit about your family? I’m very curious.”

“I have a sister and two brothers. One is the same age as me, he’s adopted. My sister is a little younger and my other brother is only 12 years. I don’t get to see him that often, since he lives with my mother.”

“And your parents?”

“My mother and father kicked me out of the house when I was nineteen. I came out of the closet and they didn’t really agree with it. Especially my father, he is homophobic. My father and my mother are divorced, but they were still living together when I came out. So they kicked me out.”

“I’m so sorry I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay. My mother has her own house now, which I rarely visit. She has sought contact again, but I …. Don’t know if I can ever forgive her for not standing up against my father. My father has remarried and I wasn’t invited to the wedding.” Alec scoffed, but continued. “hope I’ll never have to see him again, honestly.”

“Yeah, that seems reasonable.” Justin tried. “But what happened when you got kicked out?”

“Magnus let me stay with him. And five years later, I still haven’t left.” Alec chuckled, Justin sighed reliefed. The tension was broken a little.

“And you?” Alec asked looking over to him.  
“I’m an only child, no brothers or sisters, just me. My mother was very supportive of me, when I came out. And.. Uh.. my father died when I was ten years old.” He looked down on his shoes.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. That’s horrible.”

“yeah, thanks.” Justin looked at his watch and saw what time it was. “It’s almost 00:00. Shall we count?”

“Sure, why not.” Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. The fireworks began bursting through the sky, you could here people shouting and singing. Justin turned towards Alec.

“Happy new year, Alec.” He whispered softly.

“Happy new year, Justin.”

Justin leaned in and captured Alec’s lips with his. The kiss was sweet. It was not like kissing Magnus, Alec thought. But it was fine. Justin was a sweet guy and he would really like to know him a little more. So he kissed him back with a little more fire, he could hear Justin sighing against his lips contently.

Meanwhile downstairs, Magnus was kissing Imasu. When they  pulled away, Magnus looked around searching for a particular someone.

“Sorry, baby. But I have to find Alec, be right back.” Imasu complained, but Magnus couldn’t care less.

He walked up the stairs to the roof, but stopped for the glass door. There Alec was, kissing that guy like there was no tomorrow. Magnus felt sick in his stomach, he really doesn’t love me, he thought. Magnus took a deep breath and went downstairs again, he sent everyone home. Because honestly, what was the point. He didn’t really feel like celebrating anymore. Yes, he was jealous, and no he shouldn’t be. He had no right to be jealous, he had told Alec that the kiss didn’t mean anything. He had a boyfriend. He had no right. Eventually Imasu left too, feeling a little neglected. Magnus plopped down on the couch, trying not to think about what he saw. After an hour or so, the pair came downstairs.

“Magnus?” Alec called when he saw Magnus lying on the couch.

“I’ll think I’ll go. See you later, Alec. It was nice meeting you, Magnus.” Justin walked out of the apartment. Silence filled the room again.

“Hey,” Alec sat down next to Magnus. “What’s wrong? Normally, your parties last until the 5:00 am.”

“I don’t know, I just didn’t feel like it. I guess,” Magnus mumbled.

“You guess?” Alec’s raised his eyebrows in question.

“I don’t know okay!” Magnus raised his voice a little.

“Okay…”

“How was your date?”

“It was fine, he’s very sweet and kind.”

“That’s nice, did something happen with you two?” Magnus looked Alec in the eye.

“Actually, yes. We kissed.” Alec said quickly. Magnus gave him a fake smile.

“That’s great. Well, I guess I’m going to go to bed.”

“Magnus?” Alec asked.

“Yes?”

“Happy new year.” He smiled.

“Happy new year, Alexander.” After Magnus left the room, Alec got up to go to bed when his phone buzzed.

_Justin- I really liked spending some time with you, I hope we can do this again some time soon._

He typed in a quick reply.

_Alec- me too, how about Friday night?_

_Justin- Sounds great, see you then ;)_

Alec smiled and got ready for bed.

 

***

 

Things between Alec and Justin went great, they really connected over the last few weeks. They’ve been dating for two months now and Alec actually liked the guy. And as much time as he spend with Justin he still was aching to spent time with Magnus, even though lately it had been only spending time with Magnus _and_ Imasu. But as it turned out he didn’t have to much longer.

Magnus and Imasu were hanging out on the couch, all cuddled up together talking about their plans for the next evening.

“Well, I can’t really do anything tomorrow night. It’s mine and Alec’s movie night,” Magnus said.

“I can come to movie night,” Imasu said hastily.

“Well, uhm not really it is kinda our thing,” Magnus stuttered.

“Why can’t I join you on movie night?”

“Well, it’s just a tradition between Alec and me. We never invited anyone else.”

“But maybe you can start with tomorrow evening. You do it every week anyway. I could just as easily join you.” Imasu said.

“Honey, I love that you want to spend time with me, but it’s just not going to happen on movie night. It’s something that is only ours, from nobody else. You know. Justin isn’t coming either.”

Imasu started to sit up and unwrapped himself from Magnus.

“No I actually don’t know. Why don’t you enlighten me in why you don’t want to spend time with your boyfriend, but rather want to spend it with another guy.” Imasu was getting upset and raised his voice a bit.

“Babe, don’t be like this. Alec and I are just really good friends. It’s a tradition. Movie night is off limits for anybody else, but us. That is just the way it is and I’m not going to change it. I know Alec wouldn’t like it.”

“Oh so now the feelings of dear _Alexander_ are above my feelings.” Imasu got up from the couch and started pacing.

“What is your problem?”

“What is my problem? My problem is your relationship with Alec. It isn’t right.”

“It’s not for you to decide what is right and what is wrong about our relationship.” Magnus spat.

“I really can’t take this anymore, if you don’t see what our issue is then I don’t know anymore. We always end up fighting about this, about Alec and it just isn’t fair. Not to me. Hell we’ve been dating half a year now and you still haven’t said I love you. I said it and when you didn’t say it back, it hurt. But I wanted to give you time, I wanted to give you space, to figure out your feelings. And when you had that panic attack at the fashion show, you didn’t want me by your side, you wanted him. Time after time, you’ve only wanted him. I love you Magnus, but I can’t do this anymore. It’s like you don’t care about my feelings.” Magnus got up from the couch and stood in front of Imasu, slowly taking his hands into his.

“Honey, please don’t do this. You know I care about you.” Magnus’ eyes were dwelling up, even though he didn’t love Imasu, he didn’t want to lose him. He was a steady part of his life now. And he needed those parts.

“You care about me? right,” Imasu scoffed and turned his back on Magnus.

“Yes I do,” Magnus said softly trying to touch Imasu as he turned around again.

“I need more than that Magnus. I need to know that you don’t have feelings for him. Tell me you don’t feel anything for him and we are good. Please tell me,” Imasu had tears in his eyes. Magnus felt so guilty, because he couldn’t say that. He couldn’t lie and tell Imasu that he didn’t because he did. He had more than just feelings towards Alec. He loved Alec, and not like a brother loves his sister. He was deeply in love with Alec ever since college. In the beginning he thought it had been a crush, but as time passed his feelings developed into more than just a crush. He was in love with Alec, but he could never tell him. Their friendship was too important to mess up.

The silence had been enough for Imasu to know where they stood and he started walking away. When Imasu closed the door Magnus broke down crying, he cried for hours until Alec got home.

 

***

 

Alec was on his way from work, whistling. He was in such a good mood, his students were being nice to him, he wasn’t under a lot of stress and he had a date with Justin tonight. Justin had been great, he was a kind, sweet guy. He enjoyed spending time with him a lot, but he couldn’t help comparing him to Magnus. Which wasn’t fair, because who could ever be more perfect than Magnus freaking Bane. But their time together had been fun. When he opened the door of the loft, he was surprised to not see Magnus there. He expected him to be lying on the couch together with Imasu. But instead he found a cold and empty apartment.

“Magnus?” Alec called out. He didn’t get a response, so he decided to investigate. He walked through the apartment, but still no Magnus. He wasn’t in the kitchen, his bedroom or the bathroom. He couldn’t find him, until he walked over to his own bedroom, the door was slightly cracked open. He quietly walked over to the door and peeked inside. Magnus laid down on the bed, crying softly, murmuring something Alec couldn’t quite understand. He was wrapped up in blankets, but his head peaked out. He walked over to the bed and sat down on the carpet in front of Magnus.

“Hi,” Alec whispered.

“Hi.”

“Mags, what are you doing here?” he quietly said.

“Imasu broke up with me…” Magnus sniffed.

“Oh, Magnus.” Alec cupped Magnus’ cheek with his right hand and stroked his cheek, wiping the tears off of it. “I’m sorry.” Magnus looked up into Alec’s eyes, he wanted to say something but he didn’t.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Magnus shook his head and cuddled further into Alec’s sheets. Alec got up from the ground and walked over to the door.

“I’ll be right back, Mags.”

He walked over to the kitchen and got all the necessary equipment. Ice cream, the dvd box of friends, chocolate and candles (somehow candles calmed Magnus down), he also grabbed a box of tissues. He learned early on that this could cheer Magnus up. Carefully he put the candles on, which created a lovely ambiance. The ice cream and the chocolates were being put on his bedside table next to Magnus, he turned the tv on and crawled in bed next to Magnus. He put the tissue box between them. Magnus gave Alec a sad smile and cuddled into his side.

“Oh, shit wait!” Alec got out of bed and ran towards the living room. Magnus looked at him confused. He came back with a lot of pillows and blanket, to create their own blanket forts.

When they were both settled against eachother he put the show on. Magnus’ head was laying on his chest, listening to his heart. Alec ran his hand through Magnus’ hair, while pulling out his phone with the other. He quickly typed a message to Justin.

_Alec- I’m so sorry, but something came up. I can’t make it, I have to postpone our daet._

He knew Justin would’ve wanted the reason so he added, _I need to be there for Magnus. He needs me, I’m so sorry. Hope you’ll understand.xx_

_Justin- It’s okay, I hope he’ll feel better soon. You’re such a great friend, should I be jealous? ;)_

Should he, Alec asked himself. Right now, he was cuddled up with someone that wasn’t his boyfriend. Though it wasn’t very likely that something would happen between them.

_Alec- No you shouldn’t, see you soon._ _J_

_Justin- <3 _

He put his phone back in his pocket and pulled Magnus closer to him, reassuring him.

“Don’t you have something better to do, than be with my pathetic ass?”

“Hey, you’re not pathetic.” Alec said offended.

“Okay… but didn’t you have a date with Justin?” he asked unsure.

“I did, but I do not anymore.” Alec said simply, Magnus looked up at him and smiled.

“You’re too kind, Alexander. You didn’t have to cancel because of me,” he stated.

“How do you know he didn’t cancel?” Alec asked.

“Because, I know you.” Alec sighed and gave Magnus a kiss on his forehead.

“It’s fine, Mags. You need me and I’m here. I’m always here for you.”

Magnus laid down and cuddled up to Alec again with his face in the crook of Alec’s neck.

“I know.”

Alec sighed, stroking Magnus’ back.

They stayed like that until both of them started to doze off.

 

***

 

The next morning Magnus woke up before Alec. He sleepily looked around in the room, where was he? He felt a familiar warmth pressed against his back. He slowly looked over his shoulder, Alec was softly snoring next to him. Magnus smiled at him, how could someone be so kindhearted, he asked himself. Alec had his arms around Magnus’ waist, his face was pressed against Magnus’s neck. His warm breath tickling Magnus. Slowly and with precision he managed to turn around in Alec’s hold, facing eachother. Magnus sighed, how was this man so beautiful? How was that even possible? Magnus carefully cupped his cheek with his hand, caressing Alec’s cheek. All Magnus wanted to do was kiss him, right there and then. But he couldn’t Alec had a boyfriend, but he did cancel his plans with said boyfriend for him. Magnus chuckled at his quiet snoring, he never noticed before, it was endearing, he thought. Before Magnus could register what he was doing, he leaned forward pecking Alec’s lips softly. It was only a slight brush of lips, which was barely there. But somehow it made Alec stir. Magnus’ eyes widened and he tried to pull away, to no success. He was still in Alec’s tight embrace, Alec blinked a few times before fully opening his eyes. Magnus looked in his hazel eyes, smiling brightly at him. Maybe he didn’t notice, Magnus thought.

“G’morning,” Alec’s voice was a little hoarse, still filled with sleep.

“Good morning,” Magnus whispered. When Alec noticed his hold on Magnus he pulled away.

“Sorry, about that.” He rubbed his sleepy eyes, adorably.

“It’s fine, darling. You are quite warm,” Magnus teased. “Like my own personal heater.” Alec groaned while rolling over and Magnus just chuckled.

“Did you sleep well?” Magnus asked.

“Yeah, did you?” Alec asked worry filling his voice.

“I’m fine. I guess. Thank you for taking care of me.”

“No problem. It was kind of fun, we haven’t had much time together lately.”

“I know, I’ve kind of missed you.” Magnus glanced over at him.

“I missed you too,” Alec said sincere. “Now do you want to make breakfast or get breakfast.”

“Hmm.. that is a difficult decision.” Magnus rubbed over his goatee thoughtfully.

“It’s just breakfast, Mags.” Alec gave him a playful shove, one that was a little too hard. Which made Magnus fall out of the bed with a yelp. Alec burst out laughing, tears rolling over his cheeks. Magnus looked dazed over to Alec.

“That is no where near funny, Alexander,” Magnus retorted.

“So, going out it is?” Alec asked while pulling Magnus up.

“That sounds fun, let’s go to Alicante’s.” Magnus said excited.

“You have 20 minutes to get dressed,” Alec commanded.

“20 MINUTES???” Magnus shouted. “That’s barely enough time to pick out my pants.” He exclaimed.  
“Well, I suggest you hurry then.” Alec teased.

“Yes, sir,” Magnus ran to his room.

Magnus stumbled through the apartment while Alec slowly put on his clothes.

“Ready?” Alec asked.

“As much as I can be,” Magnus replied, Alec shook his head affectionately.

They walked side by side until they arrived at Alicante’s, it was a special place for them both. They used to go there a lot, but lately they haven’t had the time to go there unfortunately. 

When they were both eating their food, Magnus sighed.

“I’ve missed you, so much.”

“Me too,” Alec sighed.

“Why is it never like this anymore? Why do things always get in the way? Like a problem or work or significant others. We never just hang out anymore, not the two of us.”

“We still have movie nights,” Alec suggested. “But I understand what you mean.”

“We also haven’t had much time with our other friends either,” Magnus said.

“True, but not seeing you feels like torture.” Magnus smiled at him.

“You’re too kind, darling,” Magnus purred.

 

***

 

They got to hang out more and more over the last couple of weeks. Things were going great, Magnus was still single and Alec was still in a relationship with Justin. Until one particular day. Magnus was making dinner for him and Alec, the latter still had yet to return home, but he was on his way home. Magnus tried to not think about it all day, so far it kind of worked. He tried to distract himself with work or a tv show. Suddenly Magnus found himself staring at the blood on his wrist, he apparently cut himself. He tensed with the knive in his hands, thinking about everything, watching his wrist. The flashbacks came back and started running through his mind, over and over and over. He couldn’t help it, he dropped the knive on the ground and slowly lowered himself on the ground. His body trembling.

 

“Magnus, are you home?” Alec called out. He didn’t get a response and decided to look for him himself. When he got close to the bathroom he heard water running.

“Magnus are you in there?” he still didn’t respond, which was odd since he normally always greeted Alec.

“Mags?” Alec listened closely, he thought he heard Magnus sobbing.

“Magnus, come on you’re starting to worry me.” Yes, dat was most definetely a sob, he thought to himself.

“Magnus, are you okay? Please answer me. I’m really worried. Can you open de door please?”

Again silence.

“Mags, please please please. Just answer me.”

Still no answer.

“Okay fine, I will open de door.” Still no answer. He walked over to the calendar, searching the date. He silently cursed under his breath. He ran towards their tools, grabbed a screwdriver and tried to unlock the door. When the door finally unlocked, Alec stormed in.

He gasped. There Magnus was, sitting under the shower, a cold shower, with his clothes on.

“Magnus, what are you doing?” Alec ran to him and turned off the icy water. He took Magnus’ face in his hands and looked at him. But Magnus just blankly stared ahead, like he was in some sort of trance.

“Magnus, what happened?” Alec softly asked while he pulled Magnus out of the shower.

“Not again,” he murmured. This thing had happened before, like three or four times, it was a different kind of attack. They both didn’t know what it was exactly, but luckily Alec knew how to handle it. Normally he wouldn’t respond for almost a half hour and he would just sit somewhere staring in the distance. Most of the times it happened on March 10th, the day he found his mother with her wrists slit, dead. Alec needed to get Magnus’ temperature up. He drew Magnus a warm, not too warm, bath, to make sure he wouldn’t get hypothermia. He slowly and carefully took off Magnus’ clothes, leaving his boxers on. He lowered him into the tub, Magnus was still shaking from the shower but hadn’t yet responded. Alec took his place next to the bath and he started washing Magnus. Carefully, always carefully. He washed his hair, his arms, his feet.

“Magnus, why do you always do this to me?” Alec mumbled, more to himself than to Magnus. “You make me worry so much, I might get grey hairs soon,” Alec chuckled trying to get a response from Magnus. Not yet.

When Magnus’ body wasn’t cold anymore, Alec pulled him out of the bath and changed him in a lazy day outfit. A black tank top with a grey vest and sweatpants. Magnus slowly began moving again and changed his underwear himself.

He took Magnus to their fireplace and lit it. They sat in front of the fireplace watching the flames, Alec went to the kitchen to get Magnus some tea.

“I’m going to the kitchen, I’ll be right back,” he whispered to Magnus who finally nodded his head. It was an huge relief for Alec.

He put the steaming hot tea cup in Magnus’ hands and sat next to him. Pulling him close to his body, reassuring him. To tell him he was safe, he was with Alec, he couldn’t get hurt.

“Magnus?” Alec asked.

Magnus sighed and looked at Alec. Finally, he thought. He gave Alec a sad smile and broke down. He cried and cried and cried. While Alec just pulled him closer and let him cry on his shoulder. Comforting him, until he was done.

“Hey,” Alec said softly.

“Hi,” Magnus looked up into Alec’s eyes.

“You wanna talk about it or watch a movie with popcorn and a blanket on the couch? It is your decision, but know that I will always be here for you.”

“I wanna watch a movie.”

Alec got up and pulled Magnus up with him. He sat Magnus down on the couch while he was getting some popcorn. When he returned he gave Magnus de popcorn and searched for a movie on Netflix.

“What do you want to watch?”

“Let’s just watch Friends okay?”

“Sure, that’s fine.” Alec clicked play and sat back on the couch, he wrapped both of them in a fuzzy blanket and he pulled Magnus close to him. Softly caressing his hair. After a while he noticed that Magnus’ breath had gotten steadier, he looked next to him and saw that Magnus was softly asleep. He turned off the tv and closed his eyes, trying to get some sleep. He knew that whenever Magnus got like this, he shouldn’t be left alone, so he didn’t. He would stay all night if he had to. For tonight he would just hold him and tell him that everything was going to be okay.

 

 

***

Alec fluttered his eyes open, being woken up by the golden sun shining through the curtains. It took a few moments before he was fully aware of his surroundings. Magnus is still asleep on his arm, that ironically was also very much asleep. The prickling feeling in his arm was not very pleasant, but the calm and innocent look on Magnus’ face was worth it. Alec’s hand was still in Magnus’, probably never have left the other even during the night. He carefully twisted their hands so he could look at the fresh scar on his wrist. He didn’t know if it had been an accident, but it wouldn’t be the first one he found on Magnus’ body. Magnus had gotten a lot of scars during his life, some visible some not. But so close to his wrist, was terrifying to Alec, what if he had done it on purpose. Alec thought they were passed that fase. At least the worst day of the year was over and he didn’t have to worry about it anymore. Magnus always kind of freaked out on that day, which wasn’t irrational, but it hurt Alec that Magnus still was in that much pain. Magnus began to stir a little, Alec brought his wrist up to his lips and kissed it softly. Which made a tiny smile appear on Magnus’ lips, slowly his eyes started to flutter open. When he noticed Alec, he snuggled in further on his chest.

“G’morning,” he whispered.

“Good morning,” Alec replied. “How are you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want me to schedule an appointment with that psychologist again?” Alec asked carefully, not wanting to step on any boundaries.

“Yes.” He replied simply.

“Okay, then I will do that. When are you available?”

“Uhm… I think you now my schedule better than I do,” Magnus chuckled. Alec tried to get up form the couch, but stopped when Magnus protested.

“Don’t go,” he whined. “You’re so warm and I’m cold.” Alec laughed at that, but didn’t leave the couch. Maybe he should talk to Magnus, before calling the psychologist, he thought.

“Do you want to talk about what happened, last night? That attack hasn’t happened since 3 years.” Alec tried to sound as friendly and kind as possible.

“I know, darling.” Magnus looked down at their interlinked hands and saw Alec reassuringly caressing the new scar with his thumb.

“I didn’t do it on purpose,” he said, catching Alec’s eyes. It was like he could read Alec’s mind.

“Okay, good.” Alec brought his wrist back up to his mouth again, to kiss it. Magnus took a deep breath, realising Alec wanted to talk about it.

“I was preparing dinner, when the knive slipped out of my hand. Well, it cut me. I didn’t realise it was this deep though. I started having flashbacks from my mother’s suicide. Her voice, her face, his words, his voice, his abuse. I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Magnus. I’m here for you, you are not facing this alone.”

Magnus sighed and kissed Alec’s cheek softly.

“Thank you. The next thing I knew I was in front of the fire waiting for you to return with tea. I don’t remember anything else in between. I just…. I don’t know. I want all those visions out of my head, out of my mind. I want to be able to enjoy something without feeling guilt. I tried focusing on work, but even that didn’t work. Nothing does, my past always comes to haunt me,” Magnus went on. Alec’s heart broke for Magnus, he knew that they both had a hard life. But Magnus didn’t deserve this, he always shines so bright, is so happy. He doesn’t deserve this life, he deserves so much more. They both were finally at a place where they could achieve their dreams, Alec as a professor and Magnus as a fashion designer, but somehow their life got in the way.

“I’m so sorry, Magnus. But I’m always here.”

“But what about when I’m in Paris. What if I have a panic attack or start hyperventilating? What if it doesn’t work out the way I hope? What if I miss you too much and get homesick?  What if..” Magnus rambled, but he got cut off by Alec.

“Magnus, too much worry is never good. I promise you that if something bad happens, I’m stepping on the first plane to France. If you feel like you’re going to feel really anxious, you’re going to call me. If you miss me too much, we will facetime and you can bring one of my sweaters with you if you’d like. And I’m pretty sure it’s going to be amazing. You’re are going to learn so much and have so much fun, you’ll not even think about me.” Alec chuckled.

“I could never let a day go by without thinking about you Alec.” Magnus smiled at him and for one second Alec wanted to lean forward to kiss Magnus, but he decided against it when his phone began to rang.

“Hello?” Alec asked. “Oh, hi. Justin. Right now is not a very good moment, but I’ll call you later okay?” and with that Alec hang up.

“You can go to your boyfriend, you know.”

“Nah, remember that time when I ran into my father on the street with his new girlfriend?”

“Yes I vividly remember.”

“Remember, how upset I got?” Alec asked and Magnus just nodded. “Well, you were in a relationship with someone at that time. But you stayed with me and tried to console and comfort me. I’m going to do the same. I know, relationships are important too. But I don’t know when what I have with Justin will end. But what you and I have, I know for a fact that it will never.” Alec squeezed Magnus shoulder protectively.

“You’re so sweet, Alexander.”

 

***

 

“So, when do you have to leave tomorrow?” Alec asked him.

“I have to catch my flight, at six pm.” Magnus replied, Alec looked at the clock.

“Okay, so we have about 14 hours together left?”

“Seems about right,” Magnus said.

“Then let’s make every second count.”

“Don’t you have to be with Justin?” Magnus asked curiously. Justin and Alec were still dating for about four months now. Magnus still hadn’t told Alec how he felt, and Alec still hadn’t told him how he felt. So there was no indication for Alec to break up with Justin, he was a good and kind guy.

“Not really, this day has been reserved for you. About four months ago, he should’ve booked me earlier,” Alec joked which made a smile appear on Magnus’ lips.

“Aww, thank you darling.”

“So, what do you want to do?” Alec asked him grabbing his coat from the rack.

“Can we go to the park?” Magnus asked.

“Sure, that sound fun. Do you want to have a picnic?”

“Yeah, I’ll grab the basket.”

A few minutes later they were walking towards the park. Alec carried the basket while Magnus took care of the cloth.  
“That seems like a perfect spot, Alec.” Magnus suggested, pointing at a spot next to a tree, but still close to the lake. They walked over and sat down next to eachother on the cloth, with sandwiches in their hands. Talking about the stuff they couldn’t when Magnus was gone.

“So are you excited?” Alec asked handing Magnus an apple from the basket.

“Yes, I am. I’m worried about not seeing you everyday, though,” Magnus admitted.

“Me too,” Alec smiled. “But we are going to call and text and facetime, right?”

“Yes, darling. We are.” Alec glanced at him while he was staring at the lake, watching the sun reflect rainbow colours on the lake. It was the perfect day, Alec would say. They were trying to keep the atmosphere as positive and happy as possible. They didn’t want to think about the months that they had to spend apart. And it wasn’t that six months were that long, but they never were seperated from eachother more than two weeks. So six months, seemed like a lifetime.

Soon enough it was night and after night came the day. The day Magnus had to leave to an whole other country. 3,5 thousand miles away. They lay both cuddled up in Magnus’ bed.

“Yeah, I should go to my room. It’s late and you need your beauty sleep. Big day tomorrow. The gang comes by around 11.” Alec said.

“Can you stay?” Magnus asked softly.

“Why?” Alec wandered.

“Because it’s my last night. And I need you here with me,” Magnus said honestly.

“Okay, then,” Alec said while crawling back into the bed.

“Good night, Magnus.”

“Good night, Alec.”

***

After Magnus had said goodbye to all of their friends, they left for the airport. Isabelle had been devastated about his leave, so was Clary. They were both crying like crazy, even though he was just going away for six months. This just showed how close they all were. Maia didn’t seem to show much emotion, but she wasn’t the type of person to. Magnus had hugged her and told her that he would call her as many times as he could. Jace had made some sarcastic comment about him leaving, Magnus knew Jace cared about him though. And he warned him about becoming a french bitch. Luke had been so happy for him, so happy that he got this opportunity. Simon just straight up said that he was going to miss him a lot, and Alec? Alec was silent, ever since they left their apartment. He didn’t say a word during the car ride. And that always meant that he was hurting. When the car pulled up in front of the airport, he opened his mouth.

“You know I care about you, right?”

“I know,” Magnus sighed.

“I’m going to miss you so much.” Alec pulled Magnus close into a hug.

“Me too.”

They walked towards the gate and waited for the plane to board.

“What should I do without you for so long?” Alec asked suddenly.

“It’s gonna be okay, Alexander. I’ll be back before you now it.” Magnus gave him a sweet smile.

“That seems highly unlikely,” Alec chuckled. Magnus brought his hands up to cup Alec’s face and whispered “I’m gonna miss you.” Tears started to well up and Magnus blinked them away.

“Don’t forget me,” he said with a small smile.

“I could never,” Alec sighed and brought Magnus closer. He hugged him like he never wanted to let go, but eventually he did.

“Be safe and text me when you’re there, okay?” Alec asked.

“I will, Alexander.” Magnus rose up on his tiptoes and gave Alec a kiss on the cheek. A gesture that he could only do with Alec. His arms circled around his neck and he brought Alec closer in an embrace. Muttering sweet words into his ears.

“I will miss you,” Magnus whispered. He let go off their hug and stared at Alec’s face. Like he was mesmerizing Alec’s face for the last time, even though he knew he would be back. He softly grabbed Alec’s cheeks and pushed their lips together. The kiss was short, sweet and really emotional. Magnus’ lips tasted like salt from the tears that were falling down his face. As sudden as it started it had ended. Magnus had pulled away.

“See you in six months,” he smiled sadly. He let go off Alec and walked away.

When Magnus had to leave and go on his plane, he wiped away the tears with his sleeves and looked at the now wet shirt. Magnus had given it to him on his birthday 6 years ago. And it still fit, not as nicely anymore, but it did. “I love you Magnus Bane. I could never forget you.” He turns to leave and heads home.

 

***

 

The first few weeks were the worst. They missed eachother like crazy, but they had a lot of contact still. Magnus was incredibly excited about this opportunity and was having a lot of fun. Alec was happy for him, but he just missed him so much. It had only been a month, but still. This was the longest they had been apart from eachother. And Magnus was all Alec could think of, nothing more. When he was at work, when he was at home, when he was hanging out with their friends. Even when he was with Justin. One night they were cuddled up on the couch, when Justin noticed that Alec wasn’t really paying attention to him.

“Are you okay, Alec?” he asked concerned.

“I’m fine, I guess.” Alec lied. Justin sighed, knowing that he was lying.

“You miss him, don’t you?” Alec looked up at him with his big hazel eyes and nodded. He looked so down these last few weeks.

“I’m sorry,” Alec said. “For being a lousy date.”

“It’s fine, Alec. But I do think we need to talk.”

“Okay,” Alec sat up on the couch, while Justin grabbed his hands.

“I think I want to breakup,” Justin said softly. Alec swallowed, but nodded his head.

“It’s not that I don’t like you anymore,” he explained. “But I think that I need to be in a relationship with someone that is all over me. That loves me the most and gives me his undying attention. I know that is not fair to ask from you, since you have Magnus. So I think it’s best if we break up.” Alec blinked a few times before processing what had happened.

“Okay,” he managed to choke out. “I guess you’re right. I’m sorry that I can’t be more involved in this relationship. It’s just… I don’t know….”

“You love Magnus,” Justin stated. “It’s fine.”

“I’m sorry,” Alec looked guilty.

“Don’t worry about it, okay? I will be fine, you’ll be fine. And it wasn’t like I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. Anyone could clearly tell that you two were in love with eachother.”

“What?!” Alec sat up straight and looked confused.

“Come on, like you don’t know,” Justin chuckled.

“No, I don’t know. Magnus isn’t in love with me, otherwise he would have said something,” Alec stated.

“Yeah, like you said something,” Justin mocked, which earned him a shove and a playful hit with a pillow.

“Shut up!”

Justin took a deep breath and smiled at him. “Goodbye, Alec.”

“Goodbye, Justin.” Justin leaned in for the last time, to claim Alec’s lips with his. The last time they could do that. Before Justin walked out the door, he came to a stop.

“I really hope you get him someday,” he smiled.

When Alec was left alone and Justin was gone, he whispered. “I really hope I do too.”

Alec stood up from the couch, still not sure what had just happened. His months with Justin were fun, they kissed, had sex and laughed together. But he had just been a distraction and it wasn’t fair to keep him on the hook. Alec just couldn’t get over Magnus, especially not after he had kissed Alec at the airport. The memory still gave him a headache. Was it just a goodbye? Did it mean more?  Alec really didn’t know, but all he knew was that he wasn’t getting over Magnus anytime soon. Because, honestly, who could ever be better than Magnus Bane. Alec shook his head and walked over to Magnus’ room, lately he had been sleeping there. Trying to imagine him being there. Alec sighed and laid down on the bed, wrapping the bedsheets around him. He turned on his phone and facetimed Magnus.

“Alexander, darling. Do you know how early it is here?” Magnus exclaimed grumpy, his voice filled with sleep. But he still had anwered the phone, which made Alec smile.

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to hear your voice,” Alec whispered. That statement made Magnus’ heart swoon in his chest. He shook his head affectionately.

“Well, I know I have an amazing voice, darling.” Alec scoffed at that. “But I also know that is not why you called me at 4:00 am in France.”

“Why do you know me so well? Justin and I broke up.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,darling. Was it a messy one?” Magnus asked concern written on his face.

“No, it was fine I guess. We came to a mutual decision. So…” Alec replied.

“Okay… I’m still sorry about it.”

“It’s fine.” Magnus frowned a little.

“Darling?  Are you in my room?” Magnus asked surprised.

“Maybe..” Magnus gave him a stern look. “Yes, I am. I get lonely, so I’ll come in here. You better get your butt here as soon as possible.”

“Oh, so you do want me for my delicious butt. You are just the cutest.” They talked for about an hour before they both hang up.

“Sweet dreams, darling.” The line went dead and Alec was alone again. In an apartment that was just too big for himself. He curled around Magnus’ comforter, eventually sleep got the best of him.

 

***

 

“So how are things with Magnus?” Izzy asked her brother, when she was visiting his apartment.

“Uhm. Fine I guess,” Alec shrugged.

“You guess?” she tilted her head a little of confusion.

“He hasn’t contacted me since two weeks. So I really don’t know how things are, thanks for asing,” Alec said grumpily.  
“Ouch, I’m sorry I asked.” Isabelle bit back. “You don’t have to be rude to me. I just want to help.” Alec sighed, he knew his sister was right, but how come Magnus didn’t call him or even text him.

“I’m sorry, Iz.” Alec nudged her shoulder a little. “ I just… I don’t know. I feel like Magnus is forgetting about me. That he’ll change as long as he is there. I can’t lose him, we’ve never let a day go by without at least a text. I know he is busy, but I can’t help but feel this way.” Alec rambled.

“As if,” Izzy scoffed. “Alec, don’t be ridiculous. I know that you’re not the most confident person, but I never thought you were dumb.” Alec rolled his eyes.

“Magnus, adores you. You’ve been friends for how long now?” Izzy asked theoretically.

“11 years.” Alec deadpanned.

“Do you really think that Magnus Bane would throw your relationship away, because of this?”

“No…” Alec said uncertain.

“Well, there you go. I bet he is just busy and will answer you in the next few days. Don’t worry that much.” At the same time Izzy finished her sentence his phone rang.

“When you speak of the devil,” Izzy joked. Alec gave Izzy an unimpressed glare and walked towards his bedroom.

“Hi,” Alec picked up the phone.  
“Alexander!” Magnus exclaimed.

“Oh, so you do remember me.” Alec said sarcastically.

“Of course I do. How can I forget someone that pretty?” Magnus replied, with a hint of hurt in his voice.

“Magnus.”

“Alexander.”

“Why haven’t you called me back the last two weeks?” Alec asked.

“I’m sorry, darling. I didn’t mean to ignore you, but I’ve been really busy. No phone’s alowed.”

“And you couldn’t have just told me before hand?”

“I didn’t know, before hand. Please don’t be mad, I’m still alive.” Magnus inquired. “All ten finger, ten toes, two eyes. I haven’t been pickpocketed either.” Alec sighed through the phone.

“I really miss you,” he said. “Even your stupid jokes or sarcastic comments.”

“I’ll have you know that my jokes are nowhere near stupid, darling. And I miss you too. But I am having a marvellous time here, I’m learning so much.”

“That’s great, Mags. While you are having a great time, I’m sitting here alone on the couch sulking.”

“Alec, don’t be like that. I know you are happy that I’m having a wonderful time.”

“I’m sorry, I really am happy for you. But New York is just not the same without you. It really isn’t. The apartment is too big, my work is too boring and I have no one to spend my time with.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you felt that way. If it helps, I’ll be coming home in less than three months.”

“Yes, but what’s next? Years in London, weeks in China or Japan?”

“Then I’ll just have to bring you with me, won’t I?”

“You better.”

“Okay, that is arranged then.” Magnus joked. “I do come with good news, though.”

“Yeah? What?”

“I’ll be home for your birthday!”

“Really?”

“Yes, I’ve arranged some things. So I will be back september 10th.”

“Thank you, Magnus.”

“I wouldn’t have wanted to miss it. But I have to go now, darling. I’ll call you tomorrow again. Or text you. I promise I won’t let you wait two weeks again.”

“Talk to you later, Mags.” Alec hung up the phone and went back to the room Izzy was in.

“And..” she asked curiously.

“Ugh…” Alec exclaimed and collapsed on the couch. “How can I miss someone this much. It’s been three months, how can I survive six?”

“It’s because you’re in love with him.” Izzy said.

“Do we have to bring that up again?”

“Yes. I was the reason you and Justin broke up. It’s the reason you are this miserable and I know that something else is bothering you.”

Alec took a deep breath.

“When we were at the airport, saying goodbye. Magnus kissed me again.” He mumbled, his voice being muffled by the couch cushions.

“Wow,” Izzy said surprised. “And you still think it doesn’t mean anything?”

“I don’t know, but why would he go away for six months. If he has feelings for me too?”

“Maybe for the same reason you didn’t stop him. It’s a great opportuniy for him Alec, just wait a few months and see where things are at then.”

“But what if he has found someone else by then?”

“He’ll always come home to you, Alec. If you want to believe it or not.”

 

***

 

There she was. Just standing there, like nothing happened. Waving at him, gesturing to come closer. Did he want to? Did Alec want to? After all these years, did he forgive her? Alec closed his eyes for a few seconds, before moving over to where Max and his mother stood.

“Max,” he exclaimed, hugging his little brother against his chest. He pulled away from him and turned his gaze over to Maryse.

“Mother,” he said stern, although it came out a little shakier than he would’ve wanted.

“Alexander,” she said with a smile and hope in her eyes.

“It’s Alec.”

“Alec, you look well. How’ve you been?” she asked kindly.

“I’ve been fine.”

“Please, Alec. Can we talk, like normal people?”

“You want to talk about it? Then let’s talk about it right now!” Alec raised his voice a bit, when he saw that his little brother was out of sight.

“You want to talk about the time when you  kicked me out. Or the time when you didn’t protect me against your husband. Or the time you wouldn’t let me see Max. Which one do you want to talk about, I’ve got plenty of options left.” Alec said sarcastically.

“I guess I deserve that.” Maryse began, but Alec interrupted her.

“Trust me you deserve way worse. You know I’ve been scared to see you for a few years now. Scared that someday I ran into you. Do you have any idea why Izzy always comes to pick up Max? Hmm.. any idea.”

“Alec, I’m so sorry. You know that. I couldn’t handle your father. I wasn’t strong enough.”

“That man is NOT my father. He is a stranger to me. A nobody. It will be too soon if I never see him again.”

“Alec, can you please calm down a bit. It’s been years.” Maryse tried calmly.

“I cannot calm down, mother. You kicked me out when I was at my weakest, you didn’t defend me in any way against him. You let me doubt my entire life and existence, because I wasn’t the son you thought you had. The role of a mother is to protect her children. I was your child, you should’ve protected me, taken care of me.”

“Alec…” Maryse tried to reach out to him, but with no success. Alec pulled away.

“I needed my mom. I needed you and you abandoned me. I will honestly never understand how. How could you do this to me?” Alec almost had tears in his eyes, he finally said what he wanted to all these years.

And with that he stormed out of the park and ran his way to his apartment.

Magnus, he needed to call Magnus. He knew what to do.

_This is the voicemail of one fantastic and gorgeous Magnus Bane, leave a message after the beep._

“Magnus, It’s me Alec. I know that you’re probably busy, but I need you. Pleas I need to talk to you,” he said desperately. He hung up and crawled into Magnus’ bed. He closed his eyes for a minute, he was so tired of everything.

“I miss you,” he whispered against the pillow.

 

***

 

Alec was woken by a loud buzzing. He searched with his hand for his phone.

“Hello?” he sounded hoarse.

“Alexander.” Magnus said concerned.

“Hi.”

“What’s wrong? I got your voicemail. You sounded upset. Is everything okay?” Magnus asked. Alec was about to explain every single detail to him, when he heard someone call Magnus over.  
“Are you coming, babe?” he heard a male voice say through the phone. Alec’s heart sunk to his stomach, he couldn’t talk or say anything. He just laid there in Magnus’ bed listening to his rapid heartbeat.  
“Just one minute,” Magnus replied. “Alexander?” Magnus asked after a while.

“It’s fine,” Alec managed to say. “I was just overreacting,” he chuckled.

“Are you sure? It sounded like it was important.”

“Yeah, It’s fine. Something happened at work, but no need to worry. I’ll text you later about it.” Please stay on the phone with me, please stay on the phone with me, he thought. Don’t hang up, don’t hang up. Ask me, ask me.

“Okay, sure. If it’s nothing. I guess I’ll just hang up then.” Shit, Alec thought.

“Yeah, talk to you later.” Alec heard Magnus hang up the phone. He dropped the phone next to him and started crying. Why was he so alone, why did he feel so miserable? How could Magnus not know something was going on. And the worst part was that it felt like his heart was ripped out of his chest and crumbled up into a million little pieces. The one person who was always there for him, didn’t have time anymore. His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door.

Alec reluctantly shuffled towards the frontdoor, finding Izzy on the other side of it.

“Hi,” she said. Alec just burst out in tears, while Izzy pulled him close. Trying to calm down her brother.

 

***

 

The next morning Alec felt like shit. His head hurt and he felt like crawling in a hole and never coming out of it again. But unfortunately his phone started to ring.

“Ugh,” Alec said through the phone.

“Why do I have twenty messages from Izzy saying I shouldn’t be such a dick?” Magnus asked angry.

“Can we not do this right now. My head hurts like shit.”

“What happened? Alexander, what the hell happened yesterday. I thought you said that it was no big deal?”

“I might have lied.” Alec said, his voice small.

“What? Why?” Magnus asked offended.

“Because I ran into my mother yesterday!” Alec exclaimed angry.

“What? Your mother? Why didn’t you tell me? Or at least told me it was urgent when you called. I would’ve dropped everything for you, you know that.” Magnus replied concerned.

“You weren’t here. You aren’t here, Mags. I didn’t want to interrupt your new life. You said that nothing would change, but look at us. We’re arguing over the phone. Do you know anything that is going on in my life right now? Because honestly I don’t think you do,” Alec yelled at him, he wasn’t sure why he was taking things out on Magnus.

“You are too busy, ignoring me. Too busy partying, to busy hooking up. I don’t want to fight with you Magnus, I really don’t. But lately…. I feel like I’m losing you. You always know if something is wrong, what has changed? I haven’t, that’s for sure.”

“That is not fair, Alexander. And you know it. I’ve been working my ass off here and figuring out my future. I’m not always partying or doing nothing all day. And if you honestly think that I _could_ ever forget you or not think about you, then maybe we don’t know eachother at all. Because you would know, that I throw myself into parties or work just because I miss you so damn much. Alexander. You don’t get to tell me what I can and can’t do. You don’t get to tell me how I feel. Because I feel like crap, every single morning I wake up I want to be home. I want to be with you, I miss my friend. I miss the person that knows me better than anyone. Better than anyone could. So don’t you dare tell me that I don’t care anymore or that I’m too busy partying. I still have to survive two months Alexander! I want to come home, more than anything. But I can’t, I have to do this for my future, I have to.” His voice was wavering. Magnus was close to just giving up and take the next plane home. Alec took a deep sigh.

“Magnus… I’m s.. sorry.” Alec said feeling guilty.

“It’s okay. I didn’t tell you all this, because I didn’t want you to worry about me,” Magnus said.

“I will always worry about you, Magnus.”

“But that’s not why I called. I called because you are upset. What did you do when you saw her?” Magnus asked turning the conversation back on Alec.

“It went horrible. I was walking in the park, when all of the sudden I saw her standing there with Max. She waved me over and we started talking. I confronted her about every little thing that was on my mind all these years. Why she never stood up against him or why she wasn’t there for me. Magnus, I finally told her off.” Alec said proud.

“Wow, Alexander. I’m so proud of you. I knew you could do it, and if she hurts you again. I will come back to New York, just to kick her ass.” Magnus remarked, which made Alec laugh.  
“Thanks for having my back, Mags.” Alec chuckled. “I’m sorry for how I acted.”

“Darling, don’t worry that pretty little head of yours. I understand completely, you had every right to tell me off like that. I have been ignoring you, not on purpose, but I have. I’m sorry, but I really miss you. Two months, and I will be home with you again.”

“Yes, two months.”

 

***

 

Today was the day, Magnus was coming home. His flight was delayed and he would arrive on Alec’s birthday, september 12th. Alec was really excited about finally seeing his best friend again. His phone started buzzing and his face lit up when he saw who was calling.

“Mags, are you almost here?” Alec asked excited. He didn’t hear anything on the other line.

“Mags?”

“I’m so sorry, Alec. My flight has been cancelled and I can’t make it today. I’m so sorry, I feel aweful.” Magnus rambled.

“Oh,” Alec dissapointingly said. “Uhm.. that’s okay. I guess, you can’t do anything about it. When are you going to fly out now?” Alec asked.

“I honestly don’t know. I’m so sorry, I really wanted to be there. Happy birthday, Alexander.”

“Yeah, thanks. Keep me updated?”

“Of course, darling. I’ll hang up now, so you can get back to your guests.” Magnus replied.

With that Magnus hung up. Alec walked back to the living room, back to his birthday party. All of their friends were there. Simon, Maia, Luke, Clary, Jace and Izzy.

“So Magnus is not coming,” he stated.

“Oh, Alec. I’m sorry.” Izzy said with concern.

“Alec, sorry buddy,” Jace chimed in.

“yeah, yeah, it doesn’t matter. Let’s celebrate my birthday.”

After a half hour not many had said a word, and Alec had had enough.

“Okay, okay. You don’t have to pity me. I can see your concerned looks from here.” Alec said grumpy.

“Alec, it’s fine. You can feel upset, you can feel mad. Just tell us how you feel.” Izzy tried.

“The one person I wanted to really be here, isn’t. He has been gone for six months, we haven’t talked in forever. How do you think that makes me feel? Magnus is the only person that I’ve ever wanted. ANd now he isn’t even going to be here on my BIRTHDAY!” Alec was too busy ranting that he didn’t hear the frontdoor opening.

“You can all say what you were thinking anyways, Alec is an idiot for falling in love with him. But guess what? I couldn’t help it.”

“You’re in love with me?” A small voice said. The whole room went quiet, while Alec turned around.

“Magnus… I uh.. I” He couldn’t figure out the right words to say. Luckily he didn’t have to, because once Magnus was over the shock he rushed forward and pushed their lips together in a longing, but sweet kiss. Bags already forgotten in the hallway. When Alec finally figured out what was happening he circled Magnus’ waist and pulled him closer. Their lips hungrily moving together, they had shared kisses but never like this.

It felt like Magnus was the air, while Alec was drowning.

They both had been searching for someone that would love them unconditionally, all this time this was what they should’ve been doing.

Both were complete idiots for never realising how much they loved eachother, for thinking that the other one didn’t like them back.

But now, that didn’t matter, because damn was it worth the wait.

They were in their own little world, just Alec and Magnus.

Two guys who had been bestfriends forever and were secrectly in love without realising it. Alec shivered when he felt Magnus’ breath in his mouth, he opened up a little to give him more access. And when Magnus pushed his tongue in Alec’s mouth, he could hear the faint noises of whislting and cooing. And the occasional “Get a room” from Jace. Their bodies both moved in sync without saying a word, this was finally it. When they finally pulled apart, they stared into eachothers eyes.

“I’m in love with you too,” Magnus said a little breathless.

Alec’s face lit up and brought their lips back together, for a shorter and sweeter kiss.  
“Let’s leave the lovebirds alone for now, shall we?” Clary suggested.

“Good idea,” Izzy agreed.

Magnus cupped Alec’s cheeks with both hands, desperate to touch him as much as he could. Alec’s hands were playing with the hem of Magnus’ shirt, slipping them under it now and then. Alec grabbed Magnus tighter by the waist while Magnus softly tucked on his hair. Their kisses filled with teeth, smiles and tongue.

Eventually their smiles grew too big.

“Alexander, stop smiling. I can’t kiss you, if you’re smiling.” Magnus chuckled.

“I can’t help it.” Alec smiled. “I’m happy.”

“So am I.”

 “I thought your plane was cancelled.” Alec blurted out.

“Turns out I lied,” Magnus said cheekily. “I wanted to surprise you.”

“Consider me surprised,” Alec chuckled.

“I’m sorry that I made you upset.”

“It’s fine, it got us to do this right?”

“Do you want to talk about this? Us?” Magnus asked.

“Not tonight, tonight I want to do something else.” Alec had a look in his eyes Magnus had never seen before. It was full with lust and passion. But yet he still managed to look adorable. His cheeks were a little flushed, his lips were swollen and his hair was a mess.

“And what would that be, Alexander?” Magnus purred. Alec’s heart started beating faster and faster. How much he wanted the man that stood right there before him, this wasn’t a dream, this wasn’t an illusion. This was real.

“This is real.” Alec stated, unsure how to think of anything else when Magnus’ breath was grazing his neck. His whole stomach filled with butterflies, the tingling feeling he never wanted to end.

“Yes, it is.” Magnus stared at him, with so much love and desire in his eyes. Alec was wanted, Alec was loved. He wanted to take a picture right now, to remember this exact feeling. This exact moment. The golden sunlight seeping through the window, the new scruff on Magnus’ chin, the way his lips were slightly parted and pink, the way his eyes just stared right into his soul. Maybe it wasn’t just Alec’s soul, maybe they shared one. Soulmates were always such a cliche to Alec, but if anyone would be his, it would be Magnus Bane. The most caring, loving and kind person on this planet. And it didn’t matter that they were broken, they would just be broken together. Because their lifes couldn’t be fixed, their pasts couldn’t be fixed, they were perfect as they were.

“Are you sure you want to do this? Shouldn’t we take it slow?” Magnus asked.

“I think all these years were slow enough, don’t you?”

“I sure do,” Magnus said, while he caressed Alec’s cheek attentively.

“I love you,” Alec whispered, still wondering how he was able to say it aloud.

“I love you too.” Magnus said while their lips brushed slightly.

“I am nervous, though.” Alec admitted. Magnus just smiled at him and reached out his hand.

“Do you trust me?” Mangus asked him.

“Of course, I do.” Alec took Magnus’ hand in his and let him lead him to his bedroom.

“What happened here?” Magnus exclaimed, looking at the unmade bed and the drink cartons on the ground.

“I missed you,” Alec said shy. “I slept here, when I really missed you.”

“Aren’t you the cutest?” Magnus asked hypothetically.

Magnus kissed Alec again more slow this time, filled with desire.

“Do you really want this?” Magnus asked, just to make sure.

“I do. I want everything with you.”

***

When Alec woke up he felt like never before. He felt at peace, he felt happy and lucky. That might have something to do with the person sleeping next to him, soflty breathing in and out. Magnus looked so at peace right now. His eyes were a little smudged from his make up, his hair was all over the place and his cheeks were a little flushed. He looked longer than he would ever admit, but he finally climbed out of the bed and started walking towards the kitchen. His eye has caught something lying on the matt in front of the door. It was a magazine. Alec blinked a few times before he could process, what was on it. He walked quickly back into the bedroom and slammed the door. To wake up Magnus.

“What the hell is this?” Alec asked angry.

“Huh, what?” Magnus asked sleepy, his eyes still closed.

“This,” Alec threw the magazine to him. Magnus blinked a few times, before his eyes got use to the light. There he was on the magazine, kissing no one other than Camille Belcourt.

“Shit.”

“Yeah, you could say that.” Alec replied still angry.

“Alec, I can explain,” Magnus started.

“Explain what? I think this picture explains everything.”

“No it doesn’t, Alexander. You don’t understand. I was in Paris and..”

“You just ran into Camille. No big deal, just Camille. That fucking bitch, and you didn’t even mention it to me.”

“Alec, please. Calm down.”

“Calm down?  Magnus, do you have no self respect at all? Did you hook up with her again? Does this, us mean anything to you? Or did you just use me again?”

“Woah, woah, woah. Do not talk to me like that. Do not talk to me like I’m some immature child that can’t control his urges.”

“Well, obviously you can very well. Looking at that.”

“Don’t you dare Alexander!” Magnus raised his voice and got out of the bed.

“You do not get to judge me for the things you know nothing about.” Magnus exclaimed.

“You didn’t exactly tell me about them, did you?” Alec asked sarcastically.

“If you would just let me explain.”

“I don’t need an explanation.” Alec said mad. “You used me again, you used me for comfort. How could you? Do you have any idea how much you’ve hurt me?”

“I did not use you, nor have I ever used you.”

“What about the night we went to the club?”

“That wasn’t.. That doesn’t..”

“What? Count?” Alec asked, his voice condescending. “I was here all the time, waiting for you to come home. But you were in Paris, living your best life, without me. I was there for you, all the time. But when I needed you, you weren’t here. I missed you so damn much. And all you said was that you were having so much fun. Why didn’t you even think how that would make me feel. After all these years are you still so insensitive? I’ve loved you since forever, and I had to watch people fall in love with you. I had to watch you fall in love with these people, and you just didn’t care. Did you? You just kept on shoving them in my face.” Alec rambled.

“Alexander…. Please.”

“You know what? This was a mistake. I think it’s better if we don’t see eachother for a while.” With that he stormed out of the apartment.

“Alexander!” Magnus yelled, but Alec just didn’t care anymore.

He took out his phone, “Izzy, can I stay with you for a while?”

 

***

 

“Alexander, please!” Magnus exclaimed. “It’s been five days, please come home.” Magnus started knocking harder on the front door of Izzy’s apartment.

“I know you’re in there, I know your work schedule.” Still no answer. Alec had to be really mad, Magnus thought. Magnus sighed deeply and slid down to the ground, waiting for someone to open the door and let him in. After minutes of silence the door quietly opened. Magnus quickly looked up and saw Izzy standing there.

“Magnus, please. You need to leave.” Magnus stood up.

“Not before I talk to him, please Izzy.”

“He doesn’t want to talk to you, Mags. I’m sorry, I have to respect his wishes.” She calmly stated.

“Yes, but I need to make this right. I can’t just.. I can’t….” Magnus sighed. “I can’t fix this without talking to him. Please, Iz, I’m desperate.”

“Magnus, what you did… I’m sorry, but he needs time to recover. You broke his trust, I’m sorry. But I can’t let you play with my brother’s feelings anymore. I love you, but it is just not right.” Magnus knelt in front of her, clutching her shirt.

“Please, I beg you. I won’t screw it up again.”

 “You always screw things up, Magnus.”

“But that’s the point! I didn’t even get the change to screw this one up myself.” He yelled. “Alec please, listen. We need to talk!” Magnus was seriously getting irritated that Alec ignored him.

“I think it’s better if you leave. I’m sorry, Magnus. I can try and talk to him again, but I’m not sure if it would work.”

“No, it’s uh.. fine. I guess. You know what? It’s actually great, I don’t need him. You hear that, Alec? I don’t need you. I’ll just find someone else, someone better.” If that was even possible, he thought. “I’m sick and tired of being the only one who wants to fix this relationship. You said some harsh things to me too, you know. I’m not the only one at fault here.” His words were clearly meant for a certain someone. “I’m done, Alec. Do you hear me?  I’m done. Come and pick your stuff up. I’ll put it in boxes outside the door.” And with that he turned gracefully around, but stopped. “If he doesn’t even want to talk to me about it, then maybe we wouldn’t have worked out.” Izzy walked back inside, she looked at Alec, who was laying on the couch.

“Alec, maybe you should give Magnus a chance.” She tried. “He really seems sorry and genuine. He seems so broken and lost without you.”

“No, Iz. He has hurt me too many times, I can’t. I’m sorry.”

When Alec later went to pick up his stuff from their apartment, well actually Magnus’, he found his boxes lined up at the door. A note sticking out of one of the boxes. It read, _‘I can’t believe you threw all these years away because of one mistake. Maybe it meant more to me than it did to you. Ps. I gave your key to Clary so you don’t have to worry about that._

 _Goodbye Alexander.’_  Alec wanted to throw that stupid note away, he wanted to rip it and set it on fire. How could Magnus think for a second that all those years didn’t mean anything? It wasn’t just this one mistake, he needed a break. A break from Magnus.

***

 

The girls were sick of it, sick of the fighting. Sick of them ignoring eachother for a month, sick of Alec sleeping at Izzy’s. So they decided to plan something, while both Alec and Magnus were at work. Izzy texted Alec about a immergency and Clary did the same for Magnus. Magnus walked inside of the closet, but soon realised that Clary wasn’t standing there, but Alec was. He wanted to walk out, but the door was locked.

“We will not let you out until you’ve made up. This is a terrible argument, make up already.” Clary yelled.

“So, I guess this is the moment we talk. Isn’t it?” Magnus asked after a few moments of silence.

“Or is this the point, where you tell me you’re going to get back together with Camille?”

“Are you really that oblivious, that you can’t see I’m completely and utterly in love with you, Alexander? Not with her. I didn’t think you would be this hurt.”

“Did you really think it didn’t bother me when you dated other people?”

“I only let Camille kiss me, because I was alone, it was familiar and I was looking for comfort..”

“Yeah it seems like you do that alot.”

“I didn’t kiss you, because I was drunk. Alec. I’ve been in love with you since college. And for you to think that I would ever use you, that is just too much.”

“You were the one that said that kiss didn’t mean anything. That it was just a drunken mistake. Did you know how much that hurt me? Did you have any idea. I love you, Magnus. So much it hurts, but you can’t keep breaking my heart. I don’t deserve it. Just go back to Camille so I can have my fucking space.”

“Okay, that’s it. I’m getting out of here.” Magnus wanted to open the door, but it was still locked. “Clary, Izzy. You can let us out now.” No answer on the other side. “Please, this isn’t going to work.”

“There has got to be a way out.” Magnus murmured.

“Come on let us out.” He yelled.

“This isn’t fun anymore.” He started to feel anxious, by the dark closet. He pushed things off of him and started to panic a little.

“Come on guys, let us out. You know I’m not good at handling these kinds of things.” He breathed.

“Mags, are you okay?” He noticed Magnus’ rapid breathing.

“There has got to be a way out.”

“Magnus, calm down. Please.” But it was too late, Magnus was in full panic mode. His breathing became unsteady and he started to feel dizzy. Alec lowered him to the ground, while hugging him.

“Breath in with me, Mags. In and out. Breath with me, in and out.” Magnus did as he was told, still shaking and shivering in Alec’s arms. “I can’t.. can’t..”

“Yes, you can please. Breath in.. Breath out..”

“I can’t have you hate me.”

Alec took a deep sigh.“I don’t hate you, Magnus. I could never.”

“Yeah, right.” Magnus scoffed.

“Hey, look at me. I could never hate you.” Alec cupped Magnus’ cheeks and rubbed smooth circles into his skin. “I’m just mad.”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Camille is one of the models that works with the designer and we met up one time. She is really popular nowadays and so a photographer found us. She had kissed me and no, I didn’t push her away. It was familiar, and before you say something. I know how she treated me and I know that it wasn’t right. So I said I didn’t want to hang out with her, anymore. I can’t believe that this one moment is going to ruin the rest of my life. I love you Alec, really love you. I never meant to hurt you, or cause you pain. All the kisses that we shared were heartfelt, my real and honest emotions. I can’t sleep without you, I can’t eat, I don’t want to live without you. Please,” Magnus rambled. Alec looked so tired and emotionally drained, he pulled Magnus closer again and embraced him.

“I don’t want to live without you, too. I love you, Magnus. I’m so sorry, for judging you, for saying things I didn’t mean, for ignoring you. I’m so sorry, how could you ever forgive me?”

“I already have.” Magnus said softly. Alec smiled at him and brought their lips together in a soft and tender kiss. After a while they both pulled away with happy smiles on their faces.

“So, what now?” Magnus asked.

“First, we’re getting out of the closet.” Alec began while Magnus smirked at his sentence. “Again.” Alec added. “And then we are going to talk, have a real talk, about everything.”

Alec raised Magnus carefully on to his feet and interlinked their fingers.

“It was about time,” they heard Izzy say.

“Iz.” Alec said stern. “Please don’t ever do that again. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have things to talk about. You can come over for dinner If you’d like.” Alec pulled Magnus with him to his loft.

 

***

 

“So,” Magnus started, he nervously fidgeted with his sleeves on his jacket.

“So.” They both had walked towards their apartment in complete silence, not wanting to interrupt their peaceful moment, but they had to eventually. “Can we promise eachother something?” he asked.  Magnus nodded in response. “I just want to say that I love you, and do not want this to ruin us. Everything that will be said, we will talk about it like adults. Because I cannot lose my bestfriend. Not when I really need him.” Magnus gave him a sad smile and leaned forward, brushing their lips softly together. “I love you too.”

“I’ll start,” Magnus took a deep sigh and took Alec’s hand in his, needing all the support he could get.

“I’ve been in love with you since the first few days of college. So about five or six years now. It was really sudden, I didn’t expect to, but I do not regret it for a single moment. We were watching a movie on the couch, you were saying something about one of the characters and I just knew. About us, about my feelings towards you. It wasn’t just friendship, it never was.” Alec smiled softly at Magnus’ words and gave him a kiss on the back on his hand, reassuring Magnus to keep going. “I figured out how I felt. But you were still struggling with your sexuality and I didn’t want to ruin that. So, I didn’t say anything. I just didn’t want to ruin what we had, what we still have. Years went by without either of us doing anything and I was content with that. I tried to get over you by sleeping with a lot of different people, but I only realised how much I needed you. You were the one that had always been there for me, through everything. You could calm me down, or cheer me up like no one else could. When I started dating Imasu I knew he would stick around longer than most. I never meant to hurt you by being with him, by being with anyone else. He actually broke it off, because of you, of us. That kiss when I was drunk, was real. It was how I really felt, I wanted to be with you, Alexander. So much, and apparently I could only show it by being wasted. I’m so sorry for that. The things I said that morning, were to protect my own heart from rejection. It had already had enought of it. I’m deeply sorry I hurt you, I didn’t realise that you might’ve felt the same way I did.” Magnus continued. Alec thumb was absentmindedly caressing Magnus’ hand, which made the older man smile.

“Every kiss we’ve shared was real and honest.”

“The Camille thing was really messy. I know how she treated me and I know how it killed you everytime I went back to her. But the reason I’m not right now, is because of you. Because you believed in me, told me I deserved better. I was really upset that day, I didn’t think. And to imagine that, she almost was the reason we wouldn’t… couldn’t…weren’t...”

“Hey,” Alec said softly while he pulled Magnus’ chin up to look at him. “We’re okay.” Alec leaned forward and kissed him softly before letting Magnus get back to his story.

“I was mad, like really upset, when you accused me of using you. I could never ever use you, Alexander. You’re too important to me. I thought we both agreed on the things we did that night,” Magnus said sadly.

“We did, we did. Mags, we absolutely did. You were so kind to me, so caring, so patient. I don’t know why I accused you of something that insulting. I’m so sorry about that. You’re everything to me Magnus and thinking that you would not feel the same was heartbreaking to me. I didn’t think that you trusted me, because you hadn’t told me. And because of that, I thought it was serious. Otherwise you would’ve told me, if it meant nothing.”

“I was ashamed Alec, afraid of how you would react. I know you care so much about me, I know I can do stupid things. I just didn’t want your judgemental opinion. Not when I felt like crap.”

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have said stuff like that to you. I didn’t mean to be judgemental, I only want to protect you.”

“I know, darling. I know. And I love you for that, but… sometimes I need to make mistakes in order to learn from it. In the end I made the right decision.”

“The days you had shut me out were the worst days I’ve ever experienced. I hated you, I hated myself, I hated the situation, I hated Camille. But I realised that I want to be with you more than anything. I didn’t want to give up, Alec. And maybe the little push Izzy and Clary gave, was what we needed.”

“Okay. Now I’ll talk okay?” Magnus nodded, but gave his cheek a quick kiss before he continued. “I fell in love with you at 17, I know it was really young. I fell slow for you, because every single day was like a dream with you. I really struggled with my feelings for you and with my attraction to other boys. But in the end you were always there. You gave me the confidence I needed. I want to thank you for that. Yes, It was painful to watch you fall in love over and over again. Seeing you get hurt, but I wanted to be there for you. I couldn’t be there for you in that way, I couldn’t confess my feelings, yet. I hope you realise that they were all wrong to let you go. That I was an idiot for almost doing it myself, because Magnus I didn’t fall lightly for you. I fell hard. I couldn’t understand why you kept bringing these idiots into your life, Camille was by far the worst one btw. They hurt you like no one else and I wanted to protect the best thing that ever happened to me. You know I’m insecure, so it was really hard for me to even think about you loving me back. And when you kissed me, I swear I could fly. I waited so long for that moment, not knowing that in the morning I would feel like crap. You really hurt me by saying the things you did, not worth repeating.” Magnus reached out and squeezed Alec’s knee reassuringly. “I decided to get over you, so I found Justin. Sweet and caring Justin. I liked him, I never loved him, but I liked him. It had been fun, but I couldn’t stop comparing him to you. Which just wasn’t fair, I realised in the end. In the months you were away, the first few weeks were the worst. I missed you so damn much, that eventually Justin had had enough. I was in love with you and it was really obvious, so he broke up with me. All these months were so hard on me, I couldn’t stop thinking about all the fun you were having with other people. Couldn’t help think that you would forget about me. When you kissed me at the airport I felt something, something real, something worth fighting for. But idiot that I was, I let you go. And when I finally could have you in every way I ever wanted, I found out you’d kissed Camille again. I felt betrayed, I felt cheated. And my insecurities got the best of me, again. Not talking to you was so hard and I don’t ever want to do it again. You’ve always been the person I could talk to, about anything. I’m glad Izzy and Clary gave us that last little push, I know we would’ve been here eventually. But when? Magnus I just want you to know that you’re it for me. The only one I want.”

“You’re it for me too. The only person I’ve ever loved, I promise. You’ve made me feel things that no one ever could.” Magnus admitted. “I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you.”

“Me too.” Alec said softly. Magnus leaned back to the couch, laying his head on top of Alec’s chest.  
“And now?” Magnus asked.

“Now I want to spend my life with you. I don’t want to waste anymore time.” Magnus looked up at him, he had such a hopeful and promising look in his eyes, Magnus couldn’t help but lean forward, taking Alec’s lips.

“So, can I call you my boyfriend now?” Alec said jokingly.

“Darling, you can call me anything you want.” Magnus said smirking, Alec shook his head and cupped Magnus’ face before diving in for another kiss.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading it. If you liked it please leave a comment or kudos.  
> If you have some constructive critisism, please tell me. (be kind)  
> xx


End file.
